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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

you’re not helping: George Lucas now out to ruin fans

Not content to have spoiled the childhoods of a generation of geeks by both rebettering Star Wars into a place where Han Solo is a nice guy who doesn’t shoot bounty hunter scum without warning and Cloud City is a suburb of Coruscant and by delivering a prequel trilogy that took all the mystery out of the Force and replaced it with Hayden Christensen’s scowling, the filmmaker is now going to appropriate fans’ memories for Yoda knows what purpose:

George Lucas’ production company is recording fans’ memories of how the epic saga has influenced their lives since Star Wars was released in 1977.

Dubbed the Stories Project, the fans video will include footage from the mega-Star Wars convention Celebration V which is running in Orlando, Florida, from 11 to 15 August.

At the moment, the focus is on speaking with fans and collecting stories. Lucasfilm says there will definitely be a market for the stories but is as yet undecided what it will do with the video.

Oh, we know what Lucas will do with the video. First, he will digitally replace the fans with Ewan McGregor. Then, he will digitally replace the background to make it look like Celebration V is taking place at the Mos Eisley Convention Center on Tatooine. Then, he will digitally replace fans’ comments so everyone is saying things like “Jar Jar is the best Star Wars character ever” and “I always knew it was midichlorians.” Then he will not pay David Prowse.

(Wait: what? Jon Stewart is going to interview George Lucas at Celebration? Will there be video after?)

(image from MotivatedPhotos.com)



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  • Overflight

    You forgot digitally adding a hovering translucent Hayden Christensen to every group shot. :-P

  • doa766

    george lucas is among the billionaries that promised to donated at least half his fortune to charity, so give him a break

  • bronxbee

    ^@doa766… what on earth (or tatoine)does one thing have to do with the other?

  • Jurgan

    Cloud City is a suburb of Coruscant

    Wait, what? When did this happen? Also, I thought you liked the prequels, or at least liked them better than most fans?

  • Babs

    The real Star Wars Fans are sick of the haters and we are coming out full swing ahead.

    We see you for what you are “haters” and not fans.

  • . . . and we are coming out full swing ahead.

    What does that even mean?

    Pray tell, Babs, what is a “real Star Wars Fan?” I adore the original films (or at least I did a couple of revisions ago), still have my old Kenner action figures, enjoyed a few of the books and computer games . . . but I’d rather get punched in the face than sit through the prequels again. At least I know the punch would make me feel something genuine.

    Does that make me a “real fan” or a “hater?”

  • Chris

    I’m 24. I had all three Star Wars movies memorized as a kid; I watched ROTJ at least three times a week. I had countless toys, and even ESB sheets.

    The original trilogy is a hideous pile of excrement. They aren’t even good sci-fi movies, let alone a good set-up for the originals. They’re poorly written, poorly acted, poorly directed, poorly edited, and insanely over-stuffed with CGI. They ruined the force, Fhey ruined Anakin Skywalker, they retconned to the point of incredulity (Chewbacca happened to be a friend of Yoda, and also happened to be working with Han when Han happened to be the one who was hired by Luke and Obiwan?).

    And don’t give me that “well, the comics and novels explain this or that.” Stop it. The prequal trilogy blows, and no amount of preliminary reading will fix that.

  • Orangutan

    The real Star Wars Fans are sick of the haters and we are coming out full swing ahead.

    We see you for what you are “haters” and not fans.

    This sounds like it was lifted almost word-for-word from a Twitard fan comment. Just sub out Star Wars for Twilight.

    You know, Ol’ George could actually regain some of the fandom’s respect, if he does make this a genuine examination of the fans’ reactions and feelings, and not just a self-love fest. I don’t think he will, but it’s a nice thought.

  • Victor Plenty

    Chris, the “coincidence” of Chewbacca just happening to show up on Tatooine at just the right moment to ferry Luke and Obi-Wan out of there, is brilliantly “explained” in this hilarious piece of meta-fanfiction.

    Meanwhile, in a galaxy much less far away, where we scratch our heads and ponder what might motivate Mr. Lucas, there’s always this.

    You’re welcome.

  • Chris

    @Victor

    Awesome :D

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