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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

an imaginary conversation about the movie ‘Unknown’

You: So, you wanna check out that Unknown movie?

Your Friend: You wanna see a movie no one knows about? How do we find out where it’s playing?

You: No, that’s the title: Unknown.

Your Friend: That’s a pretty stupid title for a movie. I walk into a video store and I’m all like, “I want that movie Unknown.” And the kid would be all, “We don’t have the capability to erase a movie from the cultural memory, dude.”

You: So, do you wanna? It’s got Liam Neeson in it. He’s pretty badass lately.

Your Friend: Oh, right, he goes to Paris–

You: Berlin.

You: Whatev. And bad stuff happens. You can’t trust those Euroish people.

You: True.

Your Friend: Oh, yeah, I saw that trailer. He’s in an accident and all of a sudden January Jones is his wife but she doesn’t know him.

You: I bet she wishes she could do that to Don Draper.

Your Friend: Totally.
You: He was in a coma for four days…

Your Friend: …and in that time the Inception guys get into his head and erase his memory and identity.

You: Well, obviously not, because he’s all “I am Martin Harris” but Aidan Quinn is also all “I am Martin Harris.”

Your Friend: I am Martin Harris.

You: I am Martin Harris.

Your Friend: It would be awesome if there was a Spartacus ending with, like January Jones going “I am Martin Harris” and like random Berlin people going “I am Martin Harris” and everything.

You: Heh.

Your Friend: January Jones says there’s “a cool twist”

You: Well, there is that one old dude in the trailer saying, “There is no Martin Harris. He doesn’t exist.”

Your Friend: Liam Neeson is still in a coma, I’m guessing — dreams it all. He’s really Don Draper.

You: Liam Neeson’s career is in a coma, I think.

Your Friend: He’s turning into Harrison Ford circa What Lies Beneath, isn’t he?

You: It’s kinda sad. But there’s that hot foreign cab driver chick in the trailer. She seems to know Something’s Going On.

Your Friend: She is Gandalf. Neeson has the One Ring, and the only way to keep it secret, keep it safe is to hide his identity from the Dark Riders of, like, Interpol or something.

You: She is Obi-Wan.

Your Friend: Morpheus.

You: Trinity, at least. He’s in the Matrix, right? “No one can be told what the Matrix is…”

Your Friend: Shit, now I gotta see it and find out what the stupid cool twist is.

You: It’s gonna suck, isn’t it?

Your Friend: What, the movie or the twist?

You: Both.

Your Friend: Hell yeah.

You: So, you wanna?

Your Friend: Hell yeah.



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