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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

script spy: a scene from the upcoming ‘Battleship’

You have slightly more than a year to prepare your heart and soul for the onslaught of Battleship, the $200 million flick based on the Milton Bradley board game, coming to a theater near you May 2012. The movie stars Victoria’s Secret model Brooklyn Decker, pop star Rhianna, and a guy actually named Taylor Kitsch. Oh, and Liam Neeson. In the interests of preventing your head from exploding out of sheer awesome overload once the film arrives, I am proud to inoculate you with a snippet from a scene, supplied to me by many Bothan spies who gave their lives to get me this.
INT. Modern battleship somewhere in the South Pacific. NIGHT

NAVAL COMMANDER A GUY NAMED KITSCH
I am totally the star of Friday Night Lights, that show about football and beer and stuff. Therefore, I am all-American enough to sail a multibillion-dollar battleship into war with the unknown alien monsters who are attacking us from out of the, like, unknown depths of the ocean and stuff, and not from space at all. And don’t say we stole that idea from James Cameron! We totally didn’t! Also, I am rocking this hot uniform, am I not?

RHIANNA, WHO IS FAMOUS FOR SOMETHING NOT ACTING
Sir yes sir! Oh, also: Alien battleships possibly off the port bow. Or the stern thingie maybe. Should we shoot at random and hope we hit something?

NAVAL COMMANDER A GUY NAMED KITSCH
Make it so.
(whispers)
I am so Captain Picard!

RHIANNA, WHO IS FAMOUS FOR SOMETHING NOT ACTING
Gunner, take aim at region A-4!

SOME OTHER GUY WHO LOOKS MORE LIKE AN UNDERWEAR MODEL THAN A SAILOR
Ma’am yes ma’am! A-4!

suggestive hot-sizzle sound FX of missile shot… which fizzles away without exploding

SOME OTHER GUY WHO LOOKS MORE LIKE AN UNDERWEAR MODEL THAN A SAILOR
No hit, ma’am!

RHIANNA, WHO IS FAMOUS FOR SOMETHING NOT ACTING
No hit, sir!

NAVAL COMMANDER A GUY NAMED KITSCH
(bangs fist on console)
Dammit! We’ve got to get these bastards. Or else the death of my father the noble battleship admiral of yore will continue to haunt me…

FLASHBACK

EXT. The North Atlantic. DAY

A not-so-modern battleship is already listing in rough seas when a missile STRIKES it, exploding in a cloud of hot yellow and orange flame.

INT. Bridge. Chaos as officers shout above the sounds of groaning steel and explosions.

NOBLE AND STORIED ADMIRAL LIAM NEESON
Why are we still at B-7? I ordered a move to C-10!

DOOMED YOUNG ENSIGN
The rules of engagement forbid us from changing location once the battle has begun, sir!

NOBLE AND STORIED ADMIRAL LIAM NEESON
(bangs fist on console)
Dammit, I know that! Curse these conventions of warfare!

The ship lists further, sending a framed photo into the hands of Noble and Storied Admiral Liam Neeson. He smiles at the image of the tousle-haired young-boy version of Guy Named Kitsch.

NOBLE AND STORIED ADMIRAL LIAM NEESON
I’m only sorry that my son will never know how proud I might one day be of him were he to take up my mantle as battleship commander and finally defeat these unknown alien bastards for good!

Explosions overtake the bridge.

NOBLE AND STORIED ADMIRAL LIAM NEESON
They… sunk… my… battleship…

UNIVERSAL EXEC WHO GREENLIT THIS
Wait, we’re spending $200 million on this and Liam Neeson doesn’t even get to kick someone’s ass?

END FLASHBACK

NAVAL COMMANDER A GUY NAMED KITSCH
Take aim at B-7!

A GIRL NAMED BROOKLYN
No!

NAVAL COMMANDER A GUY NAMED KITSCH
Who are you, and what are you doing on my bridge, you feisty and sassy young thing?

A GIRL NAMED BROOKLYN
I have just driven my motorcycle around the world twice while crushing the New York Times crossword puzzle in order to bring you desperate news of the war effort!

NAVAL COMMANDER A GUY NAMED KITSCH
I have no time for you, mysterious yet hot civilian.

A GIRL NAMED BROOKLYN
Did I mention I’m also an underwear model? You must not shoot at B-7 lest you unlock a secret only a cheesy big-budget tentpole sci-fi action flick would have the temerity to deploy!

[Stolen bit of script ends. Sorry. You’ll just have to wait till May 2012 to find out whether Brooklyn and Taylor get to have hot steamy sex and later save humanity.]



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