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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

because when you shine a line on cockroaches, they scurry back to their dark corners (possibly NSFW)

Or else one stomps on them.

Must to share a truly enlightening email exchange I had today that was ostensibly about my review of Your Highness, but was really about so much more. It began when “hammer” emailed me to say:

youre wrong about your highness. girls are mens property and should do What we Say. Im glad that is included in the film and the girls went along with it. im tired of girls thinking theyre equal to us…we men are the boss

Can I let this slide? I cannot. I reply:

You, sir, are a prince among men, a poet *and* a gentleman.

Usually, at this point — for I have gotten many similar emails over the years — my point is taken and, sometimes, so begins a reasonable conversation between two rational adults. These conversations don’t often end in agreement between the parties, but there does typically come an acknowledgement, however circumspect, that being a complete and utter jerk to a total stranger over teh Interwebs by, in this case, sending trollish emails is sorta uncool. (Ironic that this exchange began mere minutes after I posted about the Net community pissed off at George R.R. Martin.)

Not so with hammer, who comes back with:

why thank you young lady..while i may have exadurated a bit to make a point u got my general notion

Comedy gold. So I can’t let it go:

Oh, I got your general notion. I think you may have missed my sarcasm, however.

He really did miss the sarcasm, as evidenced by his reply:

i dont care for sarcasm a whole lot..im glad u got my notion

And this is where it starts getting, um, interesting. I respond:

Then let me spell it out for you: I got your notion, and I think you’re a neanderthal idiot.

Actually, that’s unfair to neanderthals. You’re just an idiot.

No, wait, this is where it starts getting interesting. How does hammer riposte?

you are a fucking cocksucking bitch. i am not a neanderthal and am not an idiot. you are a fucking piece of shit idiotic asshole stupid dick sucking motherfucker.
man i just opine on your review and u call me an idiot? well bend over so i can stick my 12″ cock up your ass. stupid fucking bitch.

FUCK YOU

I WAS RIGHT AND YOU WERE WRONG. MY NOTION IS RIGHT.

YOU ARE A BLITHERING NAZI IDIOT

This is my second-favorite bit: “you are a fucking piece of shit idiotic asshole stupid dick sucking motherfucker.” It’s just like that scene in The King’s Speech, only without Colin Firth (whom I would totally let stick his cock up my ass, BTW).

Also: I had pretty much already figured the hammer was his penis.

I reply, giving a particular mention to my first favorite bit:

You’re hilarious. Is this often how you convince others of the correctness of your opinions?

PS: You think Nazis were feminists who might be offended by the notion that “girls” are the property of men? You really are wonderfully funny.

Hammer:

oh u dont give up do you? ok asshole. i dont care about feminists..they should all be shot

I really really should probably have just let it go at this point, but it was sort of fun to imagine the veins standing out on hammer’s forehead, and maybe steam coming out of his ears. I respond:

What should I give up? Insisting that I’m not the property of another person? Sorry, but I won’t give that up. Unless you can offer a convincing argument for my lack of personhood.

It is patently clear that you don’t care about feminists. It’s also patently clear that you believe threats of anal rape constitute an argument.

What a strange, small brain you live in.

Veins. Steam:

you are property u fucking bitch..ya i Know u want my 12″ cock..keep writing back..u wont moreo f this? good i got plenty……get some lube and bend over fucking crack whore cocksucking ashole motherfucker bitch
u have no brain u fucking asshole.
fuck you up the ass

Simultaneously, in a separate email, hammer writes, short but sweet:

fuck you

The charm! The eloquence! The rage of being thwarted!

And yet another email from “JJ” at a different address, though also clearly hammer himself:

HI FUCK YOU

It’s the “hi” that makes it special.

And yet another email also signed “hammer” but from a third email address:

HEY ASSHOLE

And yet another email, from “Marky Mark,” again obviously Mr. hammer, and probably not Mark Wahlberg at all (whom I also would totally let stick his cock up my ass, but only after he bought me a drink or two):

mRS JOHNSON
FUCK U SUCK MY JOHNSON

WANT MORE? I SHOULD FILL YOUR INBOX..I GOT 1000 EMAIL ADDRESSES..U CANT BLOCK ALL OF EM.
HAHAHAHAHA

Hahahahaha indeed. I’m pretty much dying at this point, and all hope of letting this go is forgotten. I shoot back:

My goodness. You’re actually used to being taken seriously, aren’t you? You can’t bear it that I’m not threatened or angered by you. And you really, truly, seriously believe that I should be offended — instead of laughing my ass off — over your pathetic comments about your penis, don’t you?

You are simply *adorable.*

hammer ramps up the charm:

those are great comments…keep it coming bitch..i got nothing better to do so get ready for a full inbox from about 1000 email addresses…i gonna have all my buddies spam you….bend over whore

i Know i Am Adorable..my wife Adores me Tremendously

My only possible response:

Yes, I can believe you’ve got nothing better to do.

So far, no 1000s of emails, just this:

NEITHER DO U SINCE U KEEP WRITING BACK…SINCE U GOT NOTHING TO DO SUCK MY 12″, OR DO U WANT MY BUDDY BRUNO’S 14″? WHICH DO U PREFER? WHORE?

His buddy Bruno? Bruno?

I honestly could not make this up.

The insecurity and rage on display here really are pathetic. And they deserve to be ridiculed. Hammered at, if you will. All night long.



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