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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

celebrity headlines I’d love to see

The Guardian’s headline about the marriage of two movie stars somehow elevates it above the level of mere gossip and turns it into something nearly shocking:

Rachel Weisz marries Daniel Craig in secret New York wedding ceremony

On the other hand, it’s hardly earthshattering news that two beautiful famous people fell in love, so this manages to somehow have the ring of truth to it at the same time… like it’s something you always suspected and feel vindicated to hear announced publicly.

I suddenly find myself fantasizing about similar such newsflashes along these lines:

Michael Bay pledges to grow up in secret Hollywood meeting

Hugh Hefner admits he is a robot created in secret Playboy mad-science lab

Katherine Heigl and Jennifer Aniston unfurl the second step of their intensely awesome master plan designed to bring down movie misogyny (the one that makes their first step — starring in a string of anti-woman rom-coms — suddenly make sense) created in secret feminist coven

Adam Sandler reveals he’s a five-year-old boy suffering from that terrible disease that makes kids look really old in secret studio conference

Try it: it’s fun!



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