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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

things you need to know: Amazon is better than Netflix and Redbox, you dumbass

Bridesmaid for sale on Amazon

It’s true! You think you’re all hip and modern and 21st-century and what have you with your streaming and your little red envelopes of DVDs coming to your mailbox. You think you’re all clever and stuff picking up a DVD for the evening from the coin-op machine outside the Walgreen’s.

Ha. Amazon wants you to know: You ain’t shit, dude. You wanna see Bridesmaids right now? You wanna see a drunk and stoned Kristen Wiig get thrown off a plane and arrested for contravening the PATRIOT Act just for being a regular gal ready for a party? You wanna see newly minted Emmy Award winner Melissa McCarthy take a steaming hot-lava food-poisoning diarrhea dump in the fancy sink of the fancy loo of a fancy dress boutique? Netflix and Redbox cannot help you. You suck.

Nope. You have to go to Amazon to get that DVD. And Amazon will happily remind you of this sorry fact of your existence. You think you are master of your entertainment universe, but you are actually at the mercy of your corporate overlords, who will dictate when, where, and how you may enjoy the steaming hot-lava food-poisoning diarrhea dumps of movies they deign to bestow upon we mere mortals.

Deal with it.

(Or, you know, you could go anywhere else that sells physical DVDs you can purchase for cash money and walk out of the store with. Like that Walgreen’s, probably. Definitely Wal-mart. Just do it secretly and quietly and no one will get hurt.)



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