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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

best. spam. ever.

Spam

My friend Megan forwarded the follow to me today, afeared that perhaps I might be the “friend” alluded to therein:

From: “MOHAMMED SALIM” <moha6556@killer.com>
Please respond to: <mohammedsalim.trace@gmail.com>

Subject: SOMEONE YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND, WANTS YOU DEAD.

I felt very sorry and bad for you, that your life is going to end like this if you don’t comply, I was paid to eliminate you and I have to do it within 10 days.

Someone you call your friend wants you dead by all means, and the person have spent a lot of money on this, the person came to me and told me that he wants you dead and he provided me your names, photograph and other necessary information i needed about you. If you are in doubt with this I will send you your name and where you are residing in my next mail.

Meanwhile, I have sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation, but I ordered them to stop for a while and not to strike immediately because I just felt something good and sympathetic about you. I decided to contact you first and know why somebody will want you dead by all means. Right now my men are monitoring you, their eyes are on you, and even the place you think is safer for you to hide might not be.

Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? It is up to you. Get back to me now if you are ready to enter deal with me, I mean life trade, who knows, and I might just spear your life, $5,000 is all you need to spend. You will first of all pay $3000 then I will send the tape of the person that want you dead to you and when the tape gets to you, you will pay the remaining $2000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will have no choice but to carry on the assignment after all I have already being paid before now.

Warning: do not think of contacting the police or even tell anyone because I will extend it to any member of your family since you are aware that somebody want you dead, and the person knows some members of your family as well.

For your own good I will advise you not to go out once is 7pm until I make out time to see you and give you the tape of my discussion with the person who want you dead then you can use it to take any legal action. Good luck as I await your urgent reply:

Bye.
Mr Mohammed Salim
mohammedsalim.trace@gmail.com

As I told Megan:

But if you pay him, he will “spear” your life anyway!

Seriously: hired killers should learn how to spell lest they be misunderstood.

MaryAnn

PS: It wasn’t me who hired him. I would at least make a guy take a spelling test. I think you probably already know that.

Also: I love the little bye at the end. So sweet.

(According to About.com: Urban Legends, variations on this have been circulated since December 2006. Which makes it even more mysterious that I’ve never seen this before, because I get a lot of spams, hundreds every day. Maybe none of my friends loves me enough to have me killed.)



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