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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

Battleship (trailer)


I can see now that this is going to be a movie the terribleness of which I shall be obsessed with.

How do I know it’s going to be terrible? Because of this:

Battleship

Hasbro. Emboldened by the “success” of the Transformers franchise, they are unleashing a full toy-movie assault on upon us. Don’t think there won’t be more.

You know what other toys Hasbro owns? My Little Pony. Play-Doh. You wanna see Nerf go to war? Oh, it’s coming, my friend. It’s coming.

Because look: Battleship is clearly going to be another alien-invasion apocalypse flick with the slight — very slight — novelty of beginning in “the ocean.” (Are the aliens here for our water? *facepalm*) All Hasbro movies shall henceforth be Michael Bay movies:

Battleship

Battleship

Her dad said they were gonna come and we ain’t alone. Her dad knows shit.


US/Canada release date: May 18 2012 | UK release date: April 11 2012


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