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the film criticism aspect of cyber | by maryann johanson

how in the name of all that is decent can we fix the Grumpy Cat movie?

Grumpy Cat

Grumpy Cat the Movie is coming, and it’s going to be horrible, and you can’t stop it. From the Los Angeles Times:

Broken Road Productions, the company behind the Kevin James vehicle “Paul Blart Mall Cop” and the Adam Sandler movie “Jack and Jill,” has optioned the rights to make a film based on Grumpy Cat’s persona.

Grumpy Cat will speak in the film, a la the 2004 live action Garfield movie.

For those of you playing along at home, Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Jack and Jill are two of the very worst movies ever made. They’re certainly two of the least funny comedies in the history of cinema.

Go on and have a good cry. I’ll wait.

Feel any better? No? So let’s fix this sucker.

How in the name of all that is decent can we fix the Grumpy Cat movie?

I see something meta. We open on Grumpy Cat shooting that inevitably terrible movie by the people who thought Jack and Jill was a good idea when she wakes from the celebrity coma she’s been slumbering in these past years to discover that she now has a superpowered withering glare of disdain, and she actually levels the set before stalking off to take on Hollywood bullshit wherever she finds it. Who will survive her rampage of contempt and scorn? Featuring cameos by Michael Bay, Brett Ratner, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Channing Tatum, and many other people famous for no good reason.

Your turn. Have fun!

Image via Vanity Fair.)

(If you have a suggestion for a Question, feel free to email me.)

  • RogerBW

    Spread a rumour (with accompanying image) that watching this film makes ceiling cat cry?

    The problem is that parody is dead. We already have lots of films in which people behave like greedy sociopaths and are lauded and rewarded for it.

  • David N-T

    Make the film about a time travelling Grumpy Cat who tries her utmost to make sure that Grumpy Cat: the Movie never sees the light of day in order to prevent a cinematic cataclysm that leaves behind a post-apocalyptic cultural wasteland.

  • Danielm80

    Grumpy Cat isn’t actually in the movie. She joins the MST3K panel and comments on the movie, mostly with a withering stare.

  • MisterAntrobus

    I don’t think film and TV producers understand the speed at which Internet memes proliferate, or the participatory nature of meme sharing. Grumpy Cat isn’t funny because someone created a character named Grumpy Cat and gave her a story or anything close . . . It’s funny because her pictures are a blank slate upon which anyone can project silly misanthropic jokes. But having been around for the better part of a year, Grumpy Cat is already “old” in Internet terms, and the novelty will have more or less worn off by the time they can get a movie in the can and onto screens. A year or two is a long time in the ephemeral, Warhol-esque world of Internet fame. Case in point: Does anybody give a damn what Rebecca Black is up to these days?

  • teenygozer

    All I can think is that if someone made a whimsical, sweet, slightly wacky movie about Grumpy Cat, it might work: something along the lines of “Marcel the Shell with Shoes on”. Sadly, the people who made Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Jack and Jill have the light, deft touch of a German jazz band, so this souffle’s bound to fall flatter than a crepe.

  • CB

    Yeah, well, that’s why Grumpy Cat’s owners had to make a deal quickly. They have to milk their meal ticket for all its worth while they can.

    Seriously, I feel bad for Grumpy Cat. She’s just an ordinary cat with a particular mutation. Probably hates traveling the country to conventions and what not.

  • Patrick

    Give me Henri le Chat Noir. He would wear thin in a feature length film, but I don’t think he can ever be supplanted as funniest filmed cat.

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