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such a nasty woman | by maryann johanson

Seventh Son movie review: witches be crazy

by MaryAnn Johanson


Like Monty Python without the comedy, or at least without the intentional comedy. Jeff Bridges’ saving throw against the Phoning It In curse fails!
I’m “biast” (pro): nothing

I’m “biast” (con): the trailer looked boring and generic

I have not read the source material

(what is this about? see my critic’s minifesto)

Something about creatures of the dark and a Blood Moon and a young man (poor Ben Barnes: Killing Bono) who’s sure he’s destined for more than moisture farming– er, I mean, pig farming, and the 20th-level mage who will teach him to battle the creatures of the dark who are rising because of the Blood Moon and stuff. “Signs of evil are everywhere,” says that one unnamed character and you’ll just have to take his word on that because they were saving up the FX budget for the final CGI creature battle. Insert scene that’s like Monty Python without the comedy (or at least without the intentional comedy). Training sequence! Sexy good witch (poor Alicia Vikander: Ex Machina) does a sultry bathing-in-the-Blood Moon-light thing. “If you see a witch, kill it,” mumbles Jeff Bridges (The Giver ), doing his best “drunk Obi-Wan with cotton wool in his mouth” impersonation. (Saving throw against Phoning It In curse fails!) And he really means the word that rhymes with witch and starts with a B. Because Julianne Moore (Maps to the Stars), vamping it up and collecting a paycheck as a for-real dragon-lady magician who still can’t get over how Jeff Bridges like totally broke her heart that one time. Women, can’t live with ’em, can’t kill ’em with fire. Oh, wait: yes, you can. In 3D!

See also my #WhereAreTheWomen rating of Seventh Son for its representation of girls and women.

red light 1 star

Seventh Son (2015)
US/Canada release date: Feb 06 2015 | UK release date: Mar 27 2015

MPAA: rated PG-13 for intense fantasy violence and action throughout, frightening images and brief strong language
BBFC: rated 12A (moderate fantasy violence, infrequent strong language)

viewed in 3D
viewed at a private screening with an audience of critics

official site | IMDb
more reviews: Movie Review Query Engine | Rotten Tomatoes

If you’re tempted to post a comment that resembles anything on the film review comment bingo card, you might want to reconsider.

  • Steve Gagen

    Well, the film looks like garbage, but you raised a smile with the comment “Like Monty Python without the comedy”!

  • RogerBW

    Starring Julianne Moore and Julianne Moore’s Shoulderpads! Oh, and some actors.

    I think this one may need beer.

  • LaSargenta

    Didn’t you post a trailer for this like, what, three years ago?

    [goes away to look]

  • RogerBW

    Yeah, July 2013.
    Man, they’ve been sitting on this for a while.

  • Dr. Rocketscience

    I’m down

  • Yeah, but when I went and looked at that post, the video didn’t exist anymore, so I didn’t link to it.

  • LaSargenta

    I was just mentioning that it had been sitting around festering for a while. Or so it seems.

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