daily list: 7 Michael Bay remakes we can do without
I wish it were an early April Fool’s joke, but it appears to be real: Michael Bay is going to remake Rosemary’s Baby. It gets worse: he’s gonna redo Hitchcock’s The Birds, too. I guess Bay just couldn’t take my refound respect for him and decided he needed to waste no time in getting things back to normal.
Things could we even worse, though. Bay could be choosing other classics to remake. Like these, which I invite you to join me in keeping our fingers crossed that we never, ever have to endure:
1. Michael Bay’s 2001: A Space Odyssey: Didn’t Kubrick realize that when he eliminated sound from space, he’d lose all the beautiful noise of the explosions? What explosions? Oh, Bay will stick them back in where they should have been in the first place.
2. Michael Bay’s The Remains of the Day: Remember the scene in which Anthony Hopkins’ butler goes crazy and blows up the mansion? You will...
3. Michael Bay’s Sense and Sensibility II: Did you ever wonder how come all those military officers in Jane Austen were never armed? Surprise: this time they are. To be called Colonel Brandon Goes Bloody Berserk overseas.
4. Michael Bay’s Midnight Cowboy: Joe Buck and Ratso Rizzo are now vice cops on the mean streets of 1969, and what they’re packing you don’t wanna deal with. Oh yes, terror of Teh Gay has been ladled on.
5. Michael Bay’s The Wizard of Oz: Why didn’t the house blow up when it landed on the witch? Why didn’t the witch blow up when the house landed on her? Why didn’t the flying monkeys blow up when Dorothy shot them? What do you mean, Dorothy didn’t shoot the flying monkeys?
6. Michael Bay’s Bringing Up Baby: The classic romantic comedy gets a modern update... via lots of automatic weapons. Cuz the couple that goes on a violent rampage together stays together. Watch for the leopard-mauling scene -- it’s awesome!
7. Michael Bay Casablanca: World War II is gonna be fought and won... right here.
)
)
comments
posted by Clayj (Wed Mar 19 08, 1:57PM)
I can think of an even worse remake for Bay: Armageddon II: Armageddon Outta Here. Bay remaking Bay's most obnoxious flick would just be recursively bad.
posted by Bzero (Wed Mar 19 08, 2:04PM)
*snicker* Don't give them any ideas...
posted by Pen Dragon (Wed Mar 19 08, 3:35PM)
Michael Bay's The Lives of Others: How the Cold War SHOULD Have Ended.
posted by amanohyo (Wed Mar 19 08, 5:34PM)
SPOILERS BELOW
The conception scene of the Rosemary's Baby remake is composed of no less than 300 separate shots including several dozen fast cuts to satanic special effects reinforced with a pounding score made up primarily of women's voices repeatedly chanting "Satan."
Later, an Indian cab driver with a hilarious accent says "That child has the devil in it," and refuses to take Rosemary to the hospital, but a wise elderly Chinese neighbor uses her mystic oriental powers to detect the evil spirit within the baby.
Rosemary's scantily clad buxom best friend then tells her "This all seems strange...it reminds me of a story I heard about satan." Moments later the friend is killed crossing the street when eight school buses, an eighteen wheeler full of refreshing Pepsi, and a FOX news helicopter mysteriously collide. An African American watches the accident and yells out "Oh Hell No," before diving away in slow motion.
During the climax of the intense birth scene, the apartment explodes for no apparent reason, (I think Satan sabotaged the hot water heater). Seconds later an African American peers into the charred remains of the building and exclaims "God Damn!"
The Baby then rises from the rubble, grows a pair of horns and a tail, procures a pitchfork from Home Depot, and says in a creepily low voice "I am the anti-christ." It attempts to purchase food at Taco Bell, but the teenaged employees are high and hilariously misunderstand its low voice. It becomes angry and procedes to destroy most of the city using unstoppable Satan lasers.
When all hope seems lost, the baby is defeated by Rosemary's patriotic husband Guy, who courageously sacrifices his Hummer, driving it onto the second story of a Target store and through the wall so that he is able to fire off a shoulder mounted holy-water missile invented by a nerdy X-Box 360 loving asian and his devoutly religious latino friend.
An African American character then exclaims "Now that's what I'm talkin' about!" the credits roll and everyone in the audience weeps soft tears of pride that they were chosen to bear witness to the fruits of a master filmmaker at the top of his game. I have no doubt that it will easily gross more than $500 million in the US alone. Trust me Michael Bay fans, you are in for a treat