trailer break: ‘Splinter’

Ah, the horrors of roadside Americana. I think I’ve been in that gas station. And now maybe I’ll make sure I never stop there again. Bad enough that the guys behind the counter are always creepy and the bathrooms are always disgusting and the snacks are always way past their expiration date. Now these places can kill us? Just great.

It’s kinda funny, actually. Horror movies have gotten so ridiculous that it’s hard to imagine what new lengths they could go to just to terrify us... or try to to terrify us, anyway. When all those weather-disaster movies were upon us a few years, for instance, my brother Ken came up with what seemed like the ultimate stretch that subgenre could be taken to before everyone finally gave up, and that was a flick he called Really High Pollen Count! You know, people would be sneezing their lungs up, or something. It would be gross, promise.

And now Splinter makes me think the same thing, like it’s taking an extremely minor instance of annoyance, you could hardly even call it pain, and trying to scare us with it. Ooo, baby got a splinter? Is baby gonna cry? What’s next? Paper Cut?

I say it’s kinda funny, though, because the trailer actually makes the premise look scary.

Splinter debuts on HDNet on October 29; opens limited in the U.S. on October 31; no U.K. release has been scheduled yet.