the oh-no! DVD of the week: ‘Hunt to Kill’

The generic title is sort of beautifully awful, but the best worst thing about the movie -- apart from the former pro wrestler who stars -- isn’t even mentioned in the hilariously histrionic product description:

When Jim's (STEVE AUSTIN) teenage daughter is kidnapped, he's forced to lead a band of ruthless killers into the wilderness to retrieve their share of a missing heist score. In order to rescue his daughter, Jim must use his unique brand of survival skills to outsmart the kidnappers before it's too late. HUNT TO KILL is an action packed adrenaline rush about a man operating on his most primal instincts to save the one thing he's willing to die for - his daughter.

Oh, for sure the “woman in peril” angle is cringeworthy. (Need to motivate a badass? Threaten his female property.) But what’s awesome that isn’t mentioned is that tough-guy Jim is a Border Patrol Agent. In Montana. Which means he’s protecting America from the rampaging hoards of Canadians who threaten our freedoms. Or maybe he’s protecting us against those Alberta beavers who build that dam you can see from space.

In any event, we should be proud to have a fake wrestler named after the Bionic Man on our side. It brings a tear to my eye, knowing our security is in meaty paws such as these.