The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (review)

What’s really kind of weird is that they left that bit about “till death do us part” out of the wedding ceremony when Edward and Bella get married. Maybe the people who made Breaking Dawn thought that would be too funny and would ruin the oh-my-god so romantic mood. Because Edward is immortal of course and can’t die, and soon Bella will be immortal too because Edward promised -- he promised! -- he would make her a vampire after they got married. But then Bella almost dies anyway before he can do that! It’s so sad!

But first the wedding! It’s so totally cool how the movie spends like three hours, it seems, on the wedding. There’s all this stuff about Bella’s beautiful wedding dress -- cuz that’s the most important part of when a girl gets married lol! -- and how she has to learn how to walk in high heels -- just like real girls have to do! -- and all the decorating Alice Cullen does to make everything just perfect for Bella’s big day. (People who say that the women in Twilight don’t do anything but be in love are wrong! Alice plans weddings. And there’s Leah too, the werewolf girl: she hangs around the clan even after she’s not with her werewolf guy anymore and so she’s all about being his ex. So there’s lots of things for the Twilight ladies to do!)

It’s almost like being at a real wedding, the way we get to hear speeches from everyone and there’s dancing and all sorts of wedding-y stuff. It’s such a perfect day for Bella and Edward... well, except for Bella’s mean friend Jessica says actually at the wedding that Bella must be pregnant because who else would get married at 18?

What a snot Jessica is! People get married so they can have sex, and I’m sure Jessica knows that. (I figure Jessica must be pretty stupid anyway not to have noticed that Edward and all the Cullens are obviously vampires. I mean, duh: look at them!) So that’s about the next three hours of the movie: Edward and Bella having sex. But not like we see it! I’m so glad that the people who made the movie didn’t reveal too much, because I certainly don’t want to know what happens with sex before my wedding night either lol! But I hope my husband is so excited to be with me that he breaks the bed, like Edward does!

Actually, Edward is very gentlemanly and respectful. Bella has been waiting all this time to have sex with Edward, and now they’re married, and having a honeymoon on a beautiful island near Rio de Janeiro, and he still won’t have sex with her right away because he knows better what’s right for her. He knows he’s so strong like vampires are and she’s not a vampire yet so he might hurt her... and well, everyone knows sex is dangerous and scary!

So they play chess a lot before they have sex. And after, too.

So then after that, there’s like another three hours where Bella gets pregnant right away with a half-vampire baby, and it’s like a monster eating away at her body, cuz it’s superstrong like a vampire, too, and it grows really fast, like way faster than a real baby. It’s like a metaphor for how everything a girl is supposed to want -- getting married, having sex, being a mom -- is actually bad and creepy... but then it turns out okay anyway. Cuz even though the monster baby is killing Bella, she’s all like, “It’s like he’s a miracle or something.” That’s what motherhood does to you, Stephenie Meyer is letting us girls know. Even if you don’t want to have a baby, even if you know that a baby is going to literally take your life away, it makes you love it anyway.

It’s like Twilight has been saying all along: Women don’t really know what they want until other people make things happen to them. And then it’s all okay.

It’s so romantic! I can’t wait for Breaking Dawn Part 2, which is sure to be even better.