Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (review)

No. Just... no. I didn’t totally hate the first two Alvin and the Chipmunk movies, but even the modicum of charm and humor they managed to scare up is entirely missing here. It starts out as not so much a movie as a commercial for Carnival Cruise Lines -- which perhaps shouldn’t be a surprising turn for a strictly cash-in threequel -- as Dave Seville (Jason Lee: Cop Out) takes his three chipmunk children/musical talent clients on vacation along with their little Chipette girlfriends... except the rat triplets haven’t even hooked up yet, so should we consider Dave a pimp? And, anyway, can you bring rats on a cruise ship? Hey, actually, that could be a funny movie, if all six chipmunks got a cultural wakeup call from the shipboard rats who could tell them what life was really like down on the scavenger level. Hey, wouldn’t it be neat if Alvin (the voice of Justin Long: Alpha and Omega) -- or perhaps the more thoughtful Simon (the voice of Matthew Gray Gubler: The Great Buck Howard) -- had a moment when he asked Dave, “Am I a pet?” and then, not getting an honest answer, decided to lead a chipmunk uprising? Gosh, I’m thinking waaayyy too much about this-- oh look! random injury to Dave’s crotch. The kids love that. Oh look! Bizarre riff on Cast Away, as the chipmunks -- and Dave, and evil record exec David Cross (Kung Fu Panda 2) -- end up off the ship and on a remote deserted island with a stranded UPS employee (Jenny Slate). The kids, they love references to movies their parents watched while they were in utero. Also, there’s a volcano, and pirate treasure, neither of which are anywhere near as cool as they sound, or as they should be. So: No. Just... no.