Warning: Not suitable for children, small dogs, people with sensitive stomachs, or anyone else, actually. In fact, don't even read it.

	Santa!
	Ho-leee shit. What the fuck is wrong with you?
	Santa, it's me, Buddy!
	You're no buddy of mine, pal.
	Santa called me his pal! Santa called me his pal!
	You know, between that girly squeal and the fruity getup, people could get the wrong idea.
	Wrong idea?
	That you're, ah, a little light in the elf boots there, pal.
	They are light, Santa, and a pretty green color, too!
	Forgot to take your meds today, huh?
	No, I haven't had any meds. But I did have gumdrops for breakfast.
	I prefer a liquid breakfast myself.
	Like egg nog? Neat-o!
	(goddamn fruitcake)
	You had fruitcake too? Was it Mrs. Santa's special recipe?
	oh. my. god.
	How's the North Pole? Are the elves working hard? Oh, I wish I was back there!
	Me too.
	Wow, I missed you so much, Santa! Can I have a hug?
	Jesus, no!
	Well, someone's a grumpy grumpkin today.
	Grumpy grump--? Fuck me.
	You want me to what?
	What the--? Oh, I get it: You're a retard.
	I'm not sure I missed you that much, Santa...
	(holy shit: the North Pole's a gen-u-ine fairy tale)
	...but if that's what you want...
	Jesus Christ! Tights! Up! Now!
	But Santa! I can't... f-u-c-k ...you with my tights up.
	Damn straight you can't.
	Oh Santa, don't you love me anymore?
	No.
	Oh, what the hell. It'd be a change from gettin' puked on by another goddamn snot-nosed brat.
	Merry... Christmas... Santa!
	Yeah. *sigh* Merry fuckin' Christmas to me.

Read the reviews:
Bad Santa
Elf

--MaryAnn Johanson, who ought to be ashamed of herself and damn well better hope her mother never sees this
12.16.03

[reader comments on this article]

Twisted 2003.
Also:
Captain Jack Sparrow vs. Captain Jack Aubrey
Agent Smith vs. The Fellowship of the Ring
The Lord of the Rings Drinking Game