Somewhere around the twentieth time through the extended editions of The Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers, the desire will kick in to have a little fun with it. These are the official rules fans must follow. Anyone found to have flouted these regulations will be forced to watch the 1978 animated Bakshi atrocity once a day for the rest of his life, or will be forced to give good sport to a band of Orcs; the guilty party may choose his punishment.

It's also possible to play this game while watching The Return of the King at your local multiplex, but you'll have to buy all the stuff you need to do so at the concession stand. Tell the kid behind the counter that you want the Mirkwood Special, and use the password "Figwit is an Elvish nancypants."

Every time someone drinks anything, take a shot.
If it's a Hobbit, take two shots.
If it's Gimli, take three shots.
If Gimli belches afterward, drink the whole bottle.

Every time someone eats anything, take a shot.
If it's a Hobbit, take two shots.
If it's an Orc eating entrails, take three shots.
If it's Aragorn eating Eowyn's mucous stew, order a pizza and tell the guy on the phone that you want it delivered to "Isildur's Heir, Camp No. 10, Road to Helm's Deep, Rohan." Charge the pizza to Elrond.

Every time a Hobbit talks about food, take a shot.
If the Hobbit is complaining about being hungry, say, "Hey, there's Orcish kids in the Misty Mountains who're starving."

Every time Frodo says "Oh, Sam...," take a shot.
If it looks like Frodo's about to kiss Sam, smack the first person who suggests they might be gay.
If you wish it were Frodo wanting to kiss you, start an Elijah Wood Appreciation Society.
If you want to kiss Sam, get a t-shirt printed up that reads "Pervy Hobbit Fancier" and wear it to the most conservative religious service you can find.

Every time Aragorn and Boromir have an argument, take a shot.
If it looks like they'd really rather jump each other, ohmigod imagine how amazingly hot that would've been.

Every time someone looks all mopey and angst-ridden, take a shot.
If it's Frodo, take two shots.
If it's Aragorn, swoon and feel all tingly inside.
If it's Faramir, and he's talking about showing his quality, say, "Yeah, baby, show that quality!"

Every time a Black Rider appears, take a shot.
If the Black Rider screams like a little girl, say, "And Legolas is nowhere in sight."
If more than one Black Rider appears, sing, "When you're Nazgul / You're Nazgul all the way!"

Every time we see someone's filthy, chewed-up fingernails, take a shot.
If they're yours, get a manicure.

Every time someone sings a song, take a shot.
If it's an Elvish song, when it's over, say, "Elvish has left the building."

Every time you can tell the camera was mounted on a helicopter, take a shot.
If it's one of those really fast bits where the helicopter-camera swings around some dizzying remote mountain location, yell, "Wheeeee!"

Every time someone draws a sword, take a shot.
If it's one of those long, hard, thrusting phallic symbols wielded by a handsome, noble, manly man, wonder if it just got really hot in here. Fan self.
If it's one of those little baby swords, think, "That's probably more like it."

Every time Pippin acts like an idiot, take a shot.
If he totally puts the Fellowship in mortal danger with his idiocy, yell, "Tool of a fook!" Imagine how much better that would sound in Billy Boyd's Glaswegian accent.

Every time Legolas looks fabulous, take a shot.
If his blond tresses look particularly fabulous, go condition your hair. Rinse. Repeat.

Every time Frodo's eyes roll back into his head, take a shot.
If that looks really painful, try it yourself and get a headache. Appreciate Elijah Wood's dedication to his art all the more.

Every time Gollum hacks up a "gollum! gollum!" take a shot.
If you hack something up while imitating Gollum, that's disgusting.

Every time someone or something is called "precious," take a shot.
If you start calling your DVDs "precious," take a vacation.

Every time someone consults a map, take a shot.
If the map looks like it was printed off MapQuest, that's pretty funny.

Every time you speak along with the dialogue, take a shot.
If you recognize the dialogue as appearing word-for-word in the book, hate yourself for being such a Tolkien dork.

Every time you see the Great Eye, throw Visine at the screen.

Every time Elrond appears onscreen, say "Missssterrrr Aragorn..."

Every time someone talks about Shire weed, giggle uncontrollably and suffer an attack of the munchies.

Every time someone rides a horse, clap two halves of a coconut shell together to imitate the clopping of hooves, like they did in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Every time someone lapses into a language not the Common Tongue, accuse him of being French.

Every time someone uses the word "Mordor," say, Groucho Marx-style, "It was Moida, pronounced Moida."

Every time a Man, a Dwarf, and an Elf walk into the Riddermark, hold a competition for the best punchline to that setup. Award the winner a two-week, all-expenses-paid trip to New Zealand.

Every time Peter Jackson makes a cameo, fall to your knees in abject worship and chant, "All hail Peter Jackson! All hail Peter Jackson!"

Every time an Orc dies, an angel gets his wings.

Read the reviews:
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

--MaryAnn Johanson
12.29.03

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Twisted 2003.
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