A crazed fan way too devoted to Sheryl Crow. An Al-Qaeda plot to kidnap Russell Crowe. A crazy lady who's after David Letterman's baby. The obvious inherent dangers in being a celebrity named after a bird aside, there are definite downsides to being in the public eye. And yet, few people realize that not all celebs are targeted by stalkers -- there's a subtle equation that defines who is worth stalking and who isn't. Now, I cannot reveal how the document reproduced below fell into my hands, but suffice to say that the secret meetings of stalkers' guilds are easily crashed if one has the proper manic gleam in one's eye.
Rejected: Tara Reid Reason: Too dumb to realize she's being stalked. Terror quotient low.
Rejected: Shannon Elizabeth Reason: Enjoys being stalked too much. Terror quotient low.
Rejected: Bruce Willis Reason: Fear that the return of Bruno may interrupt eavesdropping sessions
Rejected: Hilary Swank Reason: Afraid of getting beaten up by her (Chad Lowe no threat)
Rejected: Johnny Depp Reason: No fun try to drive crazy a guy already a little off his nut
Rejected: Pamela Anderson Reason: Enormous breasts obstruct view of her bodacious clavicle
Rejected: Michael Jackson Reason: Oh, come on! Dude has enough problems already
Rejected: Paris Hilton Reason: That skank smell contaminates clothing even at court-mandated distance of 500 feet
Rejected: Will Smith Reason: Continuous "adorable" trademark babbling way too annoying to endure
Rejected: Vin Diesel Reason: Dazzling reflection off shiny forehead prevents direct observation
Rejected: Martha Stewart Reason: No fun going through carefully organized, citrus-scented garbage
Rejected: Ashlee Simpson Reason: Badly lip-synched cries for help distracting
Rejected: Homer Simpson Reason: Medical. Constant sympathetic donut consumption sent cholesterol through the roof
