Some critics were invited to see Scooby-Doo 2: Just Shoot Yourself It'd Be Less Painful in advance of its release, but I was not one of them, despite asking several times if I might attend a screening. Take from that what you will. I don't imagine I come within a million light-years of having the clout it would take to make any kind of dent in this film's box-office potential, so I'm thoroughly mystified at this turn of events.

If I must comment on the film without having seen it, so be it. This is not a review -- how could it be, as the film was not screened for this critic -- have I mentioned that? Instead, here are three alternate storylines for SD2, assembled from publicity stills from the film, that I can guarantee are more entertaining than the actual movie, sight unseen as it may be to mine eyes. Herewith:

The Case of the Missing WMDs

Scooby-Doo, a lifelong Republican and Pioneer supporter of President George W. Bush, is shattered by the news: our boys can't find Saddam Hussein's WMDs! The gang is on the case!

"Umm, thanks, Ms. Miller, but Unka Dick told us where the WMDs. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south, and north somewhat.

Somewhat north of Baghdad, in the top-secret underground lair of the Republic Guard, the gang searches the computer databases for the whereabouts of the WMDs. Say, what's in that closet in the corner...?

Shaggy takes a closer look... but it's only dustbunnies.

Velma thinks the guy from UNESCO is one right-on groovy cute fellow!

South of Baghdad, there's trouble at Saddam Hussein's genengineered dinosaur zoo! But no WMDs... unless pterodactyls count!

The Mystery Hummer -- heavily fortified against RPG attack, because you can't be too cautious with all those wacky insurgents around! -- pulls up outside the Baghdad Museum of Antiquities. Could the WMDs be hidden here?

Scoob spots the WMDs across a crowd!... But no, it's only a kid with a rusty penknife. The search continues.

In the area around Tikrit, the gang gets lost. "Our AAA guidebook doesn't seem to have a map of Tikrit!" Velma whines. But they accidentally stumble across...

"My man Saddam has one groovy pad, huh, Scoob?" "Ruh-huh!"

The UNESCO guy has a notion: "Let's throw a party -- maybe someone will bring the WMDs as a hostess gift!" Great idea!

The party is a smash, but no WMDs. "Rave ru reen any rubbleru-rem-rees, roxy rady?"

"Quote-unquote 'imminent danger,' they said," Shaggy bitches. All hope is fading...

Condi was right! Mushroom cloud!

"Now that those meddling kids are out of the way, it's on to Syria."

--MaryAnn Johanson
03.26.04

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Scooby Doon't.
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