Some critics were invited to see Scooby-Doo 2: Just Shoot Yourself It'd Be Less Painful in advance of its release, but I was not one of them, despite asking several times if I might attend a screening. Take from that what you will. I don't imagine I come within a million light-years of having the clout it would take to make any kind of dent in this film's box-office potential, so I'm thoroughly mystified at this turn of events.

If I must comment on the film without having seen it, so be it. This is not a review -- how could it be, as the film was not screened for this critic -- have I mentioned that? Instead, here are three alternate storylines for SD2, assembled from publicity stills from the film, that I can guarantee are more entertaining than the actual movie, sight unseen as it may be to mine eyes. Herewith:

The Incident of Hollywood's Lost Integrity

The marquee at the multiplex is a thing of horror. "Like it's all remakes and sequels!" Shaggy screams. "Roinks!" Scooby-Doo yelps. "Yowsers," says Velma, "how could that happen?" "Let's look for clues!" Fred suggests. "Okay," Daphne says.

Here's one good place for clues: a gala Hollywood premiere! Tonight: Robo Yeller IV: Who Let the Bots Out.

"Gosh no," says Fred, "we don't make movies." "We're here to find out why movies are so bad," Daphne adds helpfully.

After the movie, Scooby is sad. "Rad rogs... rad..."

Film critic Snootworth Vandergilt II concurs: "Approaching the genre of the rabid cybernetic dog rampage from an episitomologically perspective, as I do, one grasps instantly the artistical failures of the director in his attempts to blah blah blah drone drone drone..."

Back at the top-secret underground lair of Jack Valenti, the gang stumbles across more clues. "Look! It's the top-secret cabalistic rules of order for Hollywood! Listen: '1. All producers must contribute one human sacrifice on the occasion of the full moon. 2. All starlets must...'"

"Hey! What's this over here, guys?"

"Poke it with a stick!" the gang urges. So Daphne, in her infinite stupidity, thinks, What could go wrong?

Oh no! It's the manifestation of the accumulated festering pestilence of Hollywood players, like Dorian Gray meets Jurassic Park!

While Scooby-Doo, Shaggy, and Fred are never seen again, Velma and Daphne, seduced by the beast's hideous, seductive power, have smashing new careers as American Idol backup singers!

"Now that those meddling kids are out of the way, it's on to the Internet!"

--MaryAnn Johanson
03.26.04

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Scooby Doon't.
Also:
The Case of the Missing WMDs
The Search for Freddie Prinze Jr.'s Talent