Some critics were invited to see Scooby-Doo 2: Just Shoot Yourself It'd Be Less Painful in advance of its release, but I was not one of them, despite asking several times if I might attend a screening. Take from that what you will. I don't imagine I come within a million light-years of having the clout it would take to make any kind of dent in this film's box-office potential, so I'm thoroughly mystified at this turn of events.

If I must comment on the film without having seen it, so be it. This is not a review -- how could it be, as the film was not screened for this critic -- have I mentioned that? Instead, here are three alternate storylines for SD2, assembled from publicity stills from the film, that I can guarantee are more entertaining than the actual movie, sight unseen as it may be to mine eyes. Herewith:

The Search for Freddie Prinze Jr.'s Talent

When Fred jumps from the Mystery Van -- again -- to have it out -- again -- with the yellow lines in the road that were looking at him funny, the rest of the gang, even Daphne, suddenly realizes that he is not the crispiest Scooby snack in the box.

"Rhy is Red ro rumb?"

After an exhaustive search of the Internet, the gang learns that Fred bears a remarkable resemblance to talentless actor and well-known amoeboid lifeform Freddie Prinze Jr. "What an odd coincidence," Velma says to herself. "They have the same first names!"

At the video store, no one will go within a dozen paces of a video copy of Head Over Heels. "Oh for pete's sake," Daphne says at last, "I'll get it. Give me that stick..."

Outside the video store, things get dicey -- the press has clearly gotten the scoop that the Mystery gang is on the case of Freddie Prinze Jr. "Hey, Sarah-- I mean, Daph... who's your boyfriend?" "He is not my boyfriend, bitch!"

"Has there been any sign at all of your-- er, Freddie's talent?" the beautiful reporter asks. But Fred is too busy staring at her boobs to answer.

Shaggy has to search all over the house for the remote control before they can watch any of the Freddie Prinze Jr. movies they rented -- Scooby-Doo has hidden it in abject fear after accidentally seeing mere moments of Summer Catch.

The girls recoil in terror from a DVD of She's All That. "Hey, Daphne," Velma says, "I know what you did last summer..." "Shut up, bitch!" screams Daphne.

Even on the return to the video store, the gang is haunted. "Oh, crap, Scoob, I'm thinking about Wing Commander again!" "Ry rill ray rhat rother ruy rooks rike ru, Raggy!" "He's gotta be stopped, Scoob!" "Ru red it!"

"Did someone say something about meddling kids-- hey, a dollar!"

--MaryAnn Johanson
03.26.04

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Scooby Doon't.
Also:
The Case of the Missing WMDs
The Incident of Hollywood's Lost Integrity