Subject: Best. Review. Ever.
From: Philip Barron

I've been waiting and waiting for your review of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, and I've just read it and I've just forwarded it to my wife and I've gotta get tickets, I can't believe I haven't gotten tickets, I'm excited just reading this and I don't get excited, generally speaking...

I've read only teasing snippets about ROTK up until now, all of them glowing, and I said to myself, "Can it be that good? Please let it be that good." A smallish prayer, and your critique came today as the welcome response.

Subject: RotK
From: J M [jmann@pobox.mondenet.com]

Holy shoot, MaryAnn...

You had me tearing up with the review.

I have been kidding people how I'm bringing a new box of kleenex with me Wednesday...(second showing as the miserable school board sees no reason to cancel classes that afternoon...so instead of sitting in a darkened theatre, I shall be teaching...darn them!)

I guess I'm not kidding anymore about the box of kleenex. (And I should probably bring Anacin as well for that headache crying jags bring on.)

Oh, dear. *That* good, eh!

Marvelous. I'm in need of a good cry.

Thanks for the forewarning.

Subject: Your ROTK review: Huzzah!
From: Scott Weinberg [scott29@comcast.net]

I just finished putting the final touches on my own ROTK review, so I was happily clicking through Rotten Tomatoes, reading all the others.

Yours is simply wonderful! You've captured the giddy sense of wonder that we movie freaks live on as children...and very rarely get to experience once we grow up. I really DID feel like a wide-eyed little kid as the movie unfolded!

I've read about 16 different reviews so far, and yours is absolutely the best of the bunch. Thanks so much!

Subject: The Return of the King
From: Frederick Jones [arjay@tds.net]

Read your review at of Return of the King on Rotten Tomatoes. I cry at points in the books, even though I know the ending, so I just know the movie will wipe me out. Glad to know that I will have a bond of tears, so to speak, with you. I even got a bit teary reading your review. Geez, what a man, eh? At least I don't waste tears on those wretched glurges that continually circ across the email channels.

Thanks for the review, I really enjoyed it, and, as you can guess, really looking forward to the movie. Pass the tissues.

Subject: Best.Film.Ever.
From: Jas, Ralph [RJ@poot.nl]

Your review of Return of the King was the one I was waiting for, together with those of Dear Old Roger Ebert and James Berardinelli. At this point in time Ebert's review is not online, James has given it 4 out of 4, you claim this is the best film ever and the tomatometer still gives a 100% rating with 39 reviews... This leads me to believe that it has finally happened, that we have here, at long last, the perfect movie trilogy - or rather, one movie in three perfect parts.

I am one of the puny mortals who will have to wait for regular release, but boy, am I shaking in anticipation. Your review has done everything possible to reassure me that we do get the conclusion this film needs - thank you very much. I will sit back, relax and enjoy the marathon come Thursday... and for many years to come.

Uhm... you did not specifically mention Shelob in your review... As an arachnaphobiac: do I need diapers?

I respond:

Yes. :->

Subject: HAVE YOU THE WING?
From: aislingvaughnbristow@starpower.net

THOSE PEOPLE WHO SAW THE FELLOWSHIP AND SKIPPED THE TOWERS ARE LUCKY. JUST AS I DID WITH THE MATRIX, I HAD TO SEE TWO BEFORE REFUSING THE THIRD.

THE ADS FOR THE TOWERS MADE ME THINK THE HUMANS WERE AT WAR WITH THE ELVES AND THAT'S WHY LIV TYLER'S DAD SAID HER OLD UGLY DIRTY BOYFRIEND COULDN'T SEE HER ANYMORE. I THOUGHT MY ELF, LEGOLAS, WOULD BE THE STAR OF THE MOVIE.

INSTEAD, I WAS TREATED TO: A FAKE THREAT OF ALL-HUMAN ROMANCE FOR THE OLD UGLY DIRTY BOFRIEND, SPLIT-UP HOBBITS, AND WALKING TALKING TRANSPORTING TREES! GODAWFUL TREES! THEY TALKED AS SLOWLY BUT NOT AS ENDEARINGLY AS MALCOLM'S FRIEND STEVIE.

THE TWO TOWERS, AND MATRIX RELOADED, WERE SO LONG AND BORING THAT I REGRET NOT WALKING OUT. I LEARNED MY LESSON LONG AGO, BUT I INGNORED IT. I SHOULD WALK OUT AS SOON AS I'VE HAD IT, BECAUSE THE MOVIES NEVER IMPROVE AND FINDING OUT WHAT HAPPENS AT THE END IS NEVER WORTH THE STAY.

Subject: The Return of the King
From: Jennifer Williamson [mail@jenniferwilliamson.com]

Okay, so here I am and it's 12:30pm (PST) and I'm basically running on caffeine, flu medicine and chocolate covered espresso beans, because even if I have this god-damned flu/cold thing (which I have had for a WEEK so my sick time is long gone) I bought the tickets to Return of the King (midnight show) three weeks ago, and hell if I was going to miss it just because of some 'worst flu of the past 30 years thing' that's going round. I ate Halls like candy goodness to keep from disturbing the crowd with my coughing. And of course I wasn't the only one coughing, or trying not to cough, but we were all geeks and joined in a stronger bond than any germ could break.

Damned if I didn't regularly forget to breath during that movie. I also forgot I had a cold, a full bladder, or that it was 3:30 in the morning by the time I was done.

Damn. Let me say that again. Damn.

I am indeed full of awe and now hoping with every fiber in me that they don't wait until December 2004 to release the extended DVD, though I suspect they will, and I hate them and love them for it.

Subject: comment
From: tyavolio [tyavolio@comcast.net]

you are perhaps the biggest loser in the history of mankind. I just read, with deep sympathy for you, your horridly written, blindly misguided so-called 'review' of ROTK.

I respond:

Oh my god! You're absolutely right! My review was blindly misguided, especially when I said, um... well, I'm not sure where I was misguided. But the review certainly was horribly written, particularly that one particular section where I wrote, er... well, I'm not sure where it was badly written, either. But yes, absolutely, I am the worst example of a human being ever. I'm not sure why, but you explained your other objections so well that I simply must trust you on this one.

Thanks for pointing out the error of my ways.

The reader responds:

OK, I apologize and you were nice enough to respond, but I was just so flabbergasted by people raving about ROTK and you practically proclaim it as the best movie ever made when there are so many egregious things wrong with it. Yes, I know you can say "you just don't get it" but that doesn't mean a thing. That's even more subjective than merely saying it sucks/no it doesn't...

Yes the special effects are truly special, but that's like saying Pam Anderson has large breasts, indeed she does, but that doesn't make her a good actress. I won't bore you with a litany of complaints as I'm sure you get tons of email but I will list just a few things that stood out to me as bogus.

- Frodo is seen as some sort of hero (you should bow to no man) when in truth he choked when it mattered most, besides the fact that he sold out his best friend over the ludicrous setups coming from an obviously suspect Gollum, he took the ring as his own and only released it to the mountain lava because he tried to get it back from Gollum. Wuss.

- Ferocious battles with thousands of men going toe-to-toe and the principles go unscathed. The audience is patronized because it suggests that they can't be trusted to accept a story where any of their fantasy heroes isn't triumphant and alive in the end. Wimpy.

- The story has an insidious homoerotic undercurrent to it. Why all the long looks of longing between these people? That shot of Frodo getting on the boat at the end is terrifyingly creepy. When he wakes up in bed and each of the fellowship coincidently stumble in one at a time to give him that knowing look it almost suggests a big pillow fight might break out. I have nothing against homosexuality but have the courage to show it. No need to show Sam married with kids just so you know there's nothing untoward going on. Duplicitous.

- The female roles are gratuitous. Liv Tyler's character is only around for reproducing for the King and Cate Blanchette is on screen less than one minute and they're both in cheesecloth soft focus. It's worse than Playboy for exploiting Madonna archetypes. As if to suggest no pimple popping pocket protector wearing adolescent can handle what a real woman looks like so she must be seen in gauze as some unrealistic unattainable angelic dream figure. The one scene that depicts a token woman (who also happens to be gorgeous) slaying the dark knight is so patronizing as if to suggest, we need one moment for the girls so we don't get too many complaints, yet the male roles are consistently dramatic and heroic. Insipid.

- And of course all the pretty, perfect types are good guys and the misshapen disfigured ugly types are the Orcs. Typical.

Yes, I know that's how the story goes, but just because something is written poorly and transferred to the screen doesn't allow the movie to be free from criticism. There's nothing original in the movie and it drags on for at least an hour too long. It preaches to the converted and is very indulgent and not well edited. The faux endings are completely tedious. It annoys me that the fellowship of nerds who patronize these movies aren't capable of leveling any serious criticism of these untouchable overrated bloated blockbusters. There isn't anything challenging or narratively innovative about this movie. I'm all for people being allowed to gush about this dreck but please don't go around saying it's one of the best movies ever made. It's not even close.

I respond:

There's nothing I can say that will change your opinion of this film, but I can't help but respond to a couple of your objections, because I think you've missed many of the points of the film.

Frodo is a hero, and for him not to have "choked," as you say, would have been unrealistic. Frodo's heroism is that he resisted the lure of the One Ring for so long -- we see from the power it has over other more traditionally "heroic" types (like Boromir) that Frodo is one of the few people who could have borne it long enough to get the job done. If he'd been immune to the Ring's power, then there would have been nothing heroic in his journey or the completion of it. Heroism does not come in being without fear or being immune to temptation but in being afraid and tempted and doing what needs to be done anyway.

Another point of the resolution of the Ring's story is that evil is its own undoing. If the Ring did not have such power over Gollum, it would not have been destroyed as it was. The Ring was the architect of its own destruction, as evil so often is.

The principals do NOT go "unscathed" by battle. They may survive physically, but another point of the book and hence the film is that one does not remain unchanged by experiencing war. The Shire is saved, as Frodo says, but not for him -- he has changed so dramatically as a person that he no longer fits into the very world he was fighting to save. Is this also not a sacrifice?

What is "insidious" about homosexuality? And why does male affection equal homosexuality, anyway? Just because you're uncomfortable with displays of affection between men does not mean such displays indicate sexual attraction. One of the things I love about Jackson's trilogy is that it's full of men being emotional, which is not something we're used to seeing. Doesn't mean anyone is gay... not that there's anything wrong with being gay, or with not being gay. But emotion and affection do not equate with gayness, and to say such things is a slander on straight men.

If you don't think that Arwen, Galadriel, and Eowyn are genuinely heroic, in their own ways, I doubt there's anything I can say to convince you otherwise. One thing you might consider, though, is that this world of Middle-earth is on the cusp of a major change, one that Eowyn is symbolic of, one in which women will be ascendant as the world passes from the dominion of Elves to that of Men (as a race, not a gender).

I'm glad you're all for people being "allowed" to say whatever they want. I maintain that my opinion -- that ROTK is one of the best films ever made -- is just as valid and "allowed" as your opinion that it is not.

You still haven't explained in what way my review is badly written, or in what way I'm a loser merely for holding an opinion contrary to yours.

Subject: Your Review Of Return Of The King
From: david tartanian [dtartani@stny.rr.com]

Hi, no questions, no criticisms. :)

I just wanted to tell you that your review of Return Of The King is the most outstanding that I have read (and I have read MANY). I agree 100 percent with all you wrote. No one else could have said it better. Thank you. Lea Tartanian dtartani@stny.rr.com (I've seen ROTK 3 times and will see it as many times as I can)

I respond:

I just came from seeing it for the 4th time, and I cried harder -- and had a harder time stopping crying -- than any other time.

*sigh*

Glad you liked my review.

Subject: mutual RotK worship
From: Drave Cochems [rurouni_drave@yahoo.com]

Just wanted to drop you a quick line to say thank you for your eloquent and heart-wrenchingly honest review of Return of the King. I waited to read the review until after I'd seen the movie a couple of times, and let me tell you, it was hard to resist. I actually had to wait almost a week past Trilogy Tuesday before I was able to see it, (Mainly due to Dickensian quantities of overtime at my job) and it just about broke my heart to have to wait so long. (You can bet I was there opening night for the first two, oh yes precious...)

Everything you said in your review resonated perfectly with the flood of emotions this movie has inspired in me, and it did my heart a world of good to read your words. Honestly, it was really a bit of a relief to see someone else saying exactly what I was feeling, because here was proof that this movie was touching other people as deeply as it was touching me. Sure, it's all well and good to truly love a movie on your own, but there is nothing like that subtle feeling of kinship that comes from knowing that other people are sharing your feelings.

I have always been one to cry at movies, but I don't think I have ever cried quite so hard as I did at RotK, especially during Pippin's song to Denethor. Thrice I have seen it now, and thrice the tears have streamed freely down my face during that scene. My eyes mist up if I even think about it too hard. For me, it has to be one of the top ten moments ever put to film. Pippin's growing despair and feelings of helplessness as the world reveals itself to be bigger and more fearsome than he could possibly have imagined... The unimaginable depths of pain in Faramir's eyes as he reveals that he will gladly ride to his death if it has but a chance of earning the respect and love of his father... And Denethor just sitting there, seemingly indifferent to the pain all around him, concentrating so intently on his food and Pippin's song so that he won't have to feel what his heart is trying to tell him. (It boggles my mind that there are people I know who think this was the worst editing in the film!)

*sighs* We geeks are truly blessed to live in a time when such miracles are wrought on the silver screen for our benefit. My heart is filled with pity for those who will never read the books or see the movies, and even more for those who have read them but are letting their rigid love bind them so tightly that they can't appreciate what are certainly destined to be shown as three of the most beautiful and astounding films of this or any age. I know that once they are all out on DVD, I will certainly make a yearly event of throwing a day-long LotR viewing party, with ale and mushrooms and nice crispy bacon, and lembas if I ever figure out how to get it to turn out the way I picture it. (I hope one day you might even be persuaded to attend one of these parties! *grin*)

Subject: nice to see
From: Carney Lorien [lcarney@pcconnection.com]

Just wanted to say it's nice to see a female reviewer who didn't pretend Return of the King was beyond her comprehension. As one of many women crazily moved by this film, I have been incensed by two such reviews. Cheap ploys for pageviews.

Subject: Your Review of the Return of the King
From: Sean Seger [segers@cass.net]

I was writing to thank you for putting into words what I felt about Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. As the resident movie buff and film geek in my family and at work I normally do not have a problem putting into words what I feel about a movie. Yes, when asked I will boil it down to a simple good, bad, sucked, or awesome critique, but if asked for details I can expound upon what I thought of a movie. The better or worse the movie, the more I can expound.

With both of the previous Lord of the Rings movies I was able to comment ad nauseum on the movies, the vision Peter Jackson had cast before us, and how they fit into the vision I had interpreted from Tolkein's books. However, with this third movie I was at a loss. In my heart of hearts I knew it was a grand and glorious movie. The ultimate climax to the ultimate movie series. It fulfilled every hope and desire I had for this movie, and what didn't make the movie from the book was an afterthought. I also knew that unlike other movie series climaxes (Return of the Jedi, Matrix: Revolutions, etc.) this fulfilled and completed the series without fans like myself trying to find excuses and answers for the film's failures as a moving and as a final chapter. However, after that long winded digression, with Return of the King I was only able to coherently get across the word "WoW" when asked about this movie. I knew it was great, I knew it was the perfect ending to the series, but I also knew there was more that I couldn't put into words. Your review nailed my emotional response to this movie, and helped me understand what it was I couldn't put into words. I was emotionally exhausted by Peter Jackson's film. Not because of the grandeur of the film or the glorious acting, but because Peter Jackson (along with his cast and crew) brought the pathos of these characters and the imminent devastation they faced home. I walked out of Return of the King emotionally devastated because I was able to feel the pain and hopelessness of Frodo and Sam's quest, but I was also able to feel Sam's clinging to hope, Pippin's growth, Merry's bravery, Gandalf's worry and pain, and Aragorn's apprehensive move to claim the throne of Gondor. Alas, I was also able to feel the emotional devastation of knowing this series has come to an end.

Ultimately, and I may have departed from this as I let myself get carried away, but I just wanted to thank you. Your review allowed me to understand what it was about the movie that I felt, but couldn't quite put into words. Thank you. I don't expect a response to this e-mail, but I have enjoyed your reviews since 2002, and this is the first I've felt compelled to respond to any reviews.

I respond:

I'm delighted you found my review so useful! Thanks for telling me.

01.07.04

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