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biast | by maryann johanson

say what? worst. lines. ever, 2004 edition

Here, in one place, the funniest bad dialogue of the year 2004. They’re not ranked — they’re all equally awful. [Warning: May contain spoilers.]

[click here for the best, most quotable snippets of dialogue from 2004]


“Clearly, madam, genuis has turned to madness.”
–Raoul (Patrick Wilson), to Madame Giry (Miranda Richardson), on the Phantom (Gerard Butler), Andrew Lloyd Webber’s The Phantom of the Opera

“How about everyone here not saying the word ‘dick’ anymore — it provokes my envy.”
–Danica Talos (Parker Posey), Blade: Trinity

“It’s a high ransom she charges for nine months’ lodging in the womb.”
–Alexander (Colin Farrell), on his mother’s demands, Alexander

“Ian, I’m not going to let you steal the Declaration of Independence.”
–Ben Gates (Nicolas Cage), National Treasure

“The truth? The goddamn truth won’t fit in your brain!”
–some NSA guy, The Forgotten

“Are you okay, sweetheart?” “I took a leak in my pants.”
–Lenny (Chris Owen) and Doris (Louise Lasser), National Lampoon’s Gold Diggers

“I’d better go empty my colostomy bag.”
–Colm Meany, Intermission

“Did you notice how many hot chicks were at the funeral?” “No kidding. It was like a discotheque with a coffin in the middle.”
–Jerry (Matthew Lillard) and Tom (Dax Shepard), Without a Paddle

“What a nightmare! That’s it, no more white-wine spritzers before bedtime.”
–Pegasus, Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Movie

“So, the Pyramid of Light is more than just an ancient artifact — it’s a card!”
–Yugi, Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Movie

“I’m gonna punch you in the ovary!”
–Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

“You’re about as useful as a poopy-flavored lollipop.”
–Patches O’Houlihan (Rip Torn), Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

“Come on, Kate — time to put your mouth where our balls are.”
–Peter La Fleur (Vince Vaughn), Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

“I’m at war with the world and everyone in it.”
–Count Vladislaus Dracula (Richard Roxburgh), Van Helsing

“We Transylvanians always look on the brighter side of death.”
–Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale), Van Helsing

“There’s something down here… and it’s carnivorous.”
–Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman), Van Helsing

“Sometimes I feel like I’m in a cage — a cage of championship.”
–Bobby Jones (Jim Caviezel), Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius

“Don’t taste my pants.”
–Tim Dingman (Ben Stiller), Envy

“Life is like a patio door — you never know which side is gonna be open.” “Uh huh, and you walk into the glass.”
–Carla (Toni Collette) and Connie (Nia Vardalos), Connie and Carla

“Creasy’s art is death — he’s about to paint his masterpiece.”
–Rayburn (Christopher Walken), Man on Fire

“Forgiveness is between them and God — it’s my job to arrange the meeting.”
–Creasy (Denzel Washington), Man on Fire

“I asked you to avenge our son, and you did.”
–Livia Saint (Laura Harring), The Punisher

“There are consequences for breaking the heart of a murderous bastard.”
–Bill (David Carradine), Kill Bill: Volume 2

“If the gauntlet doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”
–the elf lawyer, Ella Enchanted

“I gave up clown college for this?”
–Wesley (Steve Buscemi), Home on the Range

“Daddy wants to lord it over magazine editors.”
–Ollie Trinke (Ben Affleck), Jersey Girl

“I am taking you with me.” “I am keeping you here [places hand over heart].”
–Katey Miller (Romola Garai) and Javier Suarez (Diego Luna), Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights

“I’ve been working my first case — could be a big one. Turns out I’ve slept with both the victims.”
–Jessica Shepard (Ashley Judd), Twisted

“Is that any kind of welcome for a man who’s seen you naked?”
–Jimmy Schmidt (Mark Pellegrino), Twisted

“Rule No. 1: You gotta be crazy to be a cop.”
–John Mills (Samuel L. Jackson), Twisted

“The SAT is pimping out my girlfriend!”
–Matty Matthews (Bryan Greenberg), The Perfect Score

“If I hadn’t blown off my arms, Mom never would have started smoking in the first place.”
–Evan Treborn (Ashton Kutcher), The Butterfly Effect


Looking back at 2004.
Also:
The Best and Worst Films of the Year
Best Performances
Best Writing and Direction
Best Production Design and Other Superlatives of the Year
The Most Memorable Movie Lines
The Year of Activist Documentaries
2004 Films Ranked


posted in:
year in review

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