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rare female film critic | by maryann johanson

cinemastrology: cinemascopes for the week of 04.27-05.03

Sure, my cinemastrology correspondent comes through with some juicy stuff this week… and then tanks on the weekly cinemascopes. But finally…

Here are the ten signs of cinemastrology, and — according to my informer — what counsel members of each sign have received for the coming week:
il rosa della bussola (sign of the compass rose): Those who dare the most and take the greatest risks often incur the loudest condemnation. But your intincts were correct — the moment is right to chance hell and achieve heaven. Cheer up!

il chicco di caffè (sign of the coffee bean): There’s a price to pay for superpremium access, but imagine the glares of envy as you pull that landtank that is your ambition up to the pump of fame. Fill ‘er up!

il coltello da formaggio (sign of the cheese knife): You may believe that the positions of trust you find yourself in automatically grant you certain privileges that permit your thoughts to be heard. You’re wrong. Shut up!

il libro dimenticato (sign of the forgotten book): Forever and a day! It may feel that way at times, but perserverence is the sauce on the meatloaf of dreams that you’re devouring like a starving man. Eat up!

il gnocchi avanzi (sign of the leftover potato dumpling): Times were when you couldn’t walk down the street without the nods and waves and smiles of your public, and if that time has passed now, you are much the wiser for it. Regrets? Give them up!

il pressa enologic (sign of the wine press): Remember that night when you found yourself stumbling down Hollywood Blvd. with the hired help of a certain persuasion, and your better half wagered that the press would find out? Pony up!

il pugnale avvelenata (sign of the poisoned dagger): Something nagging at the corner of your mind is about to come back and bite you where it hurts. Something hidden where you thought it couldn’t be found is on the verge of discovery. Dig it up!

il ratto nero infetto con peste (sign of the plague-infected black rat): Oh, you! You’re always on top of the world, even if the world refuses to acknowledge it, but this time, no one will be able to deny your superiority. Up, up, and away!

il monarca lieto (sign of the joyful king): Jet to the islands on a whim — who’s going to stop you? The world is yours to grab by the lapels and plant a wet one on, and you know what? The world loves it. Live it up!

il pittore pazzo (sign of the mad painter): When you eat something nasty your stomach rebels. When you smell something unpleasant, your gorge rises. When you see something repulsive, your will shrivels. Throw up!

(catch up with the unfolding story of cinemastrology here)

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