My cinemastrology correspondent is very quiet this week — I heard nothing at all from this person until just a few minutes ago, when the new cinemascopes came through without a word of explanation. And they seem sort of perfunctory, and yet also angry and bitter. My suspicions swing back again toward wondering if this whole thing isn’t a big put-on. Or maybe whoever is writing them is on the verge of a nervous breakdown…
Anyway, here are the ten signs of cinemastrology, and — according to my informer — what counsel members of each sign have received for the coming week:
• il rosa della bussola (sign of the compass rose): Ha. You showed the whiners and the bitchers, didn’t you?
• il chicco di caffè (sign of the coffee bean): Once was lost, now is found? Not for you, not this week. Give it up.
• il coltello da formaggio (sign of the cheese knife): You might as well get used to the way things are, because they aren’t going to change.
• il libro dimenticato (sign of the forgotten book): Hard work pays off. Keep believing that. But note who typically spouts such tripe.
• il gnocchi avanzi (sign of the leftover potato dumpling): You’re ugly and washed up. Learn to deal with it.
• il pressa enologic (sign of the wine press): Take a hint from your sign and start drinking. Consider not stopping.
• il pugnale avvelenata (sign of the poisoned dagger): You’ll always be on top, because evil will out. Don’t pretend you don’t love it.
• il ratto nero infetto con peste (sign of the plague-infected black rat): You’re a twisted old fruit, and you always have been. Try squeezing some more juice out of yourself.
• il monarca lieto (sign of the joyful king): Everyone secretly hates you. They’re not jealous. They just despise you with a passion you’ll never feel for anything.
• il pittore pazzo (sign of the mad painter): You’d do anything we told you to, wouldn’t you?