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precarious since 1997 | by maryann johanson

daily list: 7 frakkin’ cool substitute swear words

Four years into Battlestar Galactica, AdAge finally catches on that frak means fuck and that hey, maybe this means that standards on American TV are finally loosening up a bit.

Somehow, I doubt it. Even if AdAge did entirely miss the fact that characters on Saving Grace, which airs on TNT, have regularly and casually been uttering the words shit and bullshit on commercial cable (which is quite distinct from the South Park episode that flung the word around with abandon, which was meant to be deliberately provocative). Then again, the FCC doesn’t have jurisdiction over cablecasts… which means there was no reason for AdAge to mention BSG’s creative use of pseudo profanity except, you know, for how cool it is. AdAge could have, however, also included some of Firefly’s cool substitute profanity, like goram for goddamn, not to mention all the clever Chinese swearing. And hey, didn’t Captain Picard say “merde” on the bridge of the Enterprise once?

So, taking a hint from BSG, how else can we get around FCC regulations and cultural prudity and swear up a storm on TV? Two of George Carlin’s seven dirty words are already taken care of by frak and its variants, but that still leaves five… and plenty others, too. Some suggestions:
1. Shit: substitute swut, as in, “You are so full of swut.” Variant: bingswut, as in, “That is a load of bingswut.”

2. Cunt: substitute cruk, as in, “I put that miserable cruk in her place.”

3. Cock: substitute cump, as in, “Quit standin’ around there with your cump in your hand.” Variant: cumplicker, as in, “That lousy cumplicker is so dead when I get my hands on him.”

4. Piss: substitute pix, as in, “I am so pixxed off right now I can’t even think straight. British variant: “Quick taking the pix, mate.”

5. Tits: substitute toms, as in, “Check out the toms on her.” British variant: “And that’s when it all went toms up, mate.”

6. Fart: substitute funt, as in, “We’re never gonna get anywhere if we don’t stop funtin’ around.”

7. Bitch: substitute bock, as in, “You son of a bock, I’ll make pay for that.”

Make up your own. It’s fun!

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