trailer break: ‘Proud American’

Take a break from work: watch a movie trailer…

Please remove your hats and stand for this trailer:

Did you count them? Not one, not two, not three, not four: Five. Five stories ripped from the Hallmark Channel by way of the 700 Club. In IMAX. With the stars-and-stripes waving behind them. And Toby Keith on the soundtrack. (Disclaimer: I don’t know whether Toby Keith is on the soundtrack. But I would bet the rent money that there’s flags a-wavin’ throughout this flick.)

Here’s what it’s about (with frequent outraged interruptions by yours truly):

Tolerance, freedom, education and personal responsibility,

And we all know what “personal responsibility” means, don’t we? Not genuine “personal responsibility,” the kind that no one could argue with, but “right-wing indignation against affirmative-action-seeking uppity minorities and teenage immigrant welfare mothers on drugs (‘they’re too lazy to work/they’re stealing our jobs’) who are ruining everything for white people, who stand at their rightful place at the front of the line… not that foreign types aren’t welcome as long as they pretend they’re not foreign.”

are the pillars that make America a truly grand society. PROUD AMERICAN is based on true stories and travels to the most stirring and heartwarming scenes in America.

Mmmmm, best to have some apple pie and vanilla ice cream on hand, because you, my friend, are gonna be craving some after this flick. And hot dogs.

Presented through a unique combination of five dramatic and emotional scenarios, expansive natural scenery,

Because we should be proud of the erosive power of water, as represented by the Grand Canyon, or the violent uplifting power of plate tectonics, as represented by the Rocky Mountains. Because all true Americans had a hand in the natural world, even if God created it all 6,000 years ago.

and a collection of inspirational vignettes celebrating America, the film is an American story depicting everyday Americans told through the magic of magnificent music performed by top performers,

I’m tellin’ ya: Toby Keith. And not the Dixie Chicks.

breathtaking photography, and thrilling aerial scenes.

Cuz nothin’ says “America” like helicopter shots. We invented the helicopter, you know. We totally rock.

Sponsored by Coca-Cola, MasterCard, Walmart and American Airlines,

Walmart? Of course. Because something else that says America like nothin’ else is the destruction of small-business owners and the decimation of small-town downtowns and the sending of manufacturing jobs overseas because the teeming Chinese masses will work for freakin’ pennies on the dollar. God bless America!

up to $5 million of the profits from PROUD AMERICAN are pledged to charity, of which the National Military Family Association is the primary beneficiary.

Okay, that’s cool. The NMFA seems to be okay.

I don’t get writer-director-producer Fred Ashman, though, who says this:

This is a great country and it was time that somebody stepped up to make a film that didn’t preach it, but told it – honestly and truthfully, in a way that people would get it. There is an enormous untapped market of people who love this country – people who are turned off by the petty politics and the negativity. This film is for them.

Really? The market of people who love America is “untapped”? Perhaps he means that those people have been manipulated by people who don’t appear to love this country and its ideals? I’m so confused.

Also, the poster confuses me:

“America, as you’ve never seen it before,” says the poster. But if this is supposed to be the real America, then aren’t most of us already familiar with it?

“There are many reasons to be a proud American,” the announcer intones at the end of the trailer. I swear I thought he would continue, “And this movie is one of them.” Because if this movie is not the most outrageous kind of right-wing pap ever produced for the big screen, the trailer sure makes it look like it.

Hey! I guess it’s propaganda day here at FlickFilosopher! Hoorah! I, for one, welcome our neoconservative overlords!

Proud American opens September 12, in IMAX at select locations.

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