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film criticism by maryann johanson | since 1997

female gaze extra: on the hotness of thigh holsters

At the tender age of eight I was ruined forever for sex with anyone other than pirates and scoundrels by Han Solo. I am now irrevocably imprinted with the impression that there is nothing hotter than a thigh holster. *drool*

Even this Han Solo toy is extra hot thanks to the inclusion of the thigh holster:

And then came Mal Reynolds to seal the deal:

So then I’m sitting there watching Knight and Day and being utterly bored by it when I got to enjoy a brief moment of turned-on-ness thanks to this fetish of mine. Out of nowhere, someone we’re not supposed to be expecting (even though it’s totally obvious he’ll be back) reappears on the scene, and the camera — ostensibly drawing out the moment of suspense before he is revealed — travels up his leg and lingers for just a moment on a thigh holster we had not previously seen him wearing.

This is what went through my head: “Mysterious black shoe? Well, of course it’s Tom Cruise. I know it’s Tom Cruise. Tight black pants? Yeah, that’s definitely Tom Cruise’s leg. *yawn* Boring. Is there anyone less hot than Tom Cruise? There is no question whatsoever that it’s Tom Cruise– hello! Thigh holster! Hot! *swoon* Oh, right, it’s Tom Cruise. Boring.”

It was nice, for a moment. But even with the thigh holster:

the affect is still somewhat less than that of a Han Solo or Mal Reynolds.

Mmm, Han Solo…

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