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film criticism by maryann johanson | since 1997

Sucker Punch (review)

Fuk Yeah

This SUCKER PUNCH from my man Zack Snyder is just like so totally fukkin awesome I dont even know where to start.

Theres this totally hot little blonde babe who is suppose to be all underage and shit even though the actress who plays her Emily Browning is like 23 or whatever. And shes about to get raped by her ugly ass fat fuk of a stepfather this is PG13 and WTF is that all about I want to sucker puch Snyder for not doing this right and hard R so we dont get to see that but thats def whats gonna happen till Baby Doll tries to shoot his ass. Oh and hes gonna try to rape her little sister too and we dont get to see that either but at least you can think about it. Yeah her name is fukkin Baby Doll thats what they call her in the asylm for the mentally insane her stepfather throws her in as opposed to the physically insane which is what all these chicks in the asylum are anyway insanely hot LOL. No fat chicks and no ugly chicks in hottie hospital!
Anyway the other girls call Baby Doll that cuz thats what hot chicks do behind bars they get all sexy with each other and they have names like Sweet Pea and Rocket and shit like that. Baby Doll is gonna have a lobotimy in like five days or whatever which is what all chicks should get anyway I mean WTF do they even need their brains for who the fuk cares what chicks think about anythin. Anyway she has to escape and so she fantizes about being a fukkin sex slave how awesome is that because thats what goddam cunnts always think about anyway. Yeah so its a nuthatch no wait its a whorehouse like a really high class one where the girls aint skanks well there all skanks but you know wut I mean these girls are fukkin hot and shit not ugly hos like you see in some movies.

Snyder is so totally fukkin genous with how he makes it like its one thing but then its another no wait its something else. Like how Baby Doll starts doin these sexy dances for the custimers which we never get to see fuk u Snyder again for that but the sexy dance like we see it is her fightin giant fukkin ninjas and zombie nazis and terminators and fukkin ORCS and shit its so cool I cant even begin to say how cool it is like every awesome movie shoved into one movie with all the borring shit takkin out. Who the fuk wants to watch fukkin hobbits gettin all weepy and shit get to the part where we get to see orcs vomittin black blood when there heads get loped off and shit. And its all in the fukkin slomo shit where you can like really savor that shit and make it last. Thats what SUCKER PUNCH is just one long aaaaahhhh of awesomeness.

And its better than hobbits and shit becuse Baby Doll and the other hotties are all in like fishnets and fuk me shoes and shit WHILE THERE FIGHTIN and remember what I said about how no one cares what chicks think well thank god this aint any of that female powerment shit becuse if this was all about what women really think itd be all about flowers and tampons and shit and who wants to think about that but its not about that. Baby Doll would be all like oo I broke a nail and I got a run in my stockin boo hoo who needs that shit. This aint no SEX AND THE CITY or TWILIGHT shit. I bet Baby Doll would totally rip that fukkin mopy vampires head off and dropkick it into Snyders next movie.

You know what this is like its like whats that Dickens shit with the little orphan oh yea Oliver Twist this is like fukkin Oliver Twist with fukkin hot manga babes because the asylum is all like gross and dirty and poor and shit and then its all like Baby Doll fukkin fightin in thigh highs and that skirt that’s like not even a skirt at all it just barely covers her twat goddam you again Snyder for PG13 or we coulda seen some pussy.

Also shes got all these Matrix moves jumpin around in the air like theres no gravity and shit and she can do all sorts of awesome stuff and cant be killed. She didnt even have to learn this shit she just knows it and none of that time was wasted like in the Matrix with trainin and stuff who the fuk cares about the trainin just get to the good stuff.

You know how they say that movies are based on a comic book or based on a video game or whatever. This one aint even based on a story like theres not even a story in the movie its based on nothin which is awesome because it just doesnt even worry about all the stupid shit noone cares about like plot and people. Who the fuk cares about fukkin stupid sittin around talkin about why shit is the way it is just get out there and fukkin whale on some ninja and robots and shit.

This really is the best movie ever cuz its like hollywood finally said to me Fuk yeah you my man are all we care about heres some awesome shit for you to get off on and everyone else can just go fuk themselves and you get to watch.

Watch Sucker Punch online using LOVEFiLM’s streaming service.

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watch at home

MPAA: rated PG-13 for thematic material involving sexuality, violence and combat sequences, and for language
BBFC: rated 12A (contains moderate violence, threat, language and sex references)

viewed at a private screening with an audience of critics

official site | IMDb | trailer
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