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maryann johanson | takeaway only

Conan the Barbarian (review)

Thu Aug 25 2011, 09:12pm | 0 comments

Conan the Barbarian

More Like Conan the Bore-barian

Born on a battlefield! Blood blood blood! Bone crunching! Burn burn burn! In 3D!
Is that Morgan Freeman narrating? WTF?

Brutality! Beheading beheading beheading! The boy ain’t right! In 3D!

Ancient bloodline! Black magic! Bone mask! Half-bald witch babe! Blood blood blood! Burn burn burn!

“Hello. My name is Conan the Barbarian. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

Bulging biceps! Biceps biceps biceps! Bouncing boobies! Boobies boobies boobies!

Man, who’da thunk we’d look back on The Scorpion King and realize it was actually a masterpiece?

Blood blood blood! Blade on blade! Blowup! Burn burn burn! Bone crunch! Brutality! Horse punching! Blood blood blood! In 3D!

Barbarian beefcake! Boning on a boulder bed! Barbarian buns!

“You’re that little barbarian brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago…”

Battle boom! Bollocks grab! Babe-on-babe combat!

Boring! In 3D!


US/Canada release date: Aug 19 2011 | UK release date: Aug 24 2011

Flick Filosopher Real Rating: rated B for blood biceps boobs blades brutality bustin’ out all over
MPAA: rated R for strong bloody violence, some sexuality and nudity
BBFC: rated 15 (contains strong bloody violence and a sex scene)

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