must reads: “‘New Year’s Eve’: 10 Things That Could Never Happen as They Happened”

Abigail Breslin Sarah Jessica Parker New Year's Eve

Lest today’s QOTD be misinterpreted as any sort of defense of New Year’s Eve, I invite you to join me in guffawing along with Mandi Bierly at PopWatch at the movie’s ridiculous mala-Big Apple-isms (may contain spoilers, if you have some intention of actually seeing this flick, which I do not recommend):

3. No way does a straggly haired guy (Ashton Kutcher) without a pass and wearing pajama bottoms talk his way to the stage area of the Times Square ball drop by saying he’s a drummer for the headliner (Jon Bon Jovi’s Jensen). This is post- 9/11 New York, on New Year’s Eve, with a million people near that stage and the world’s eyes watching.

10. A million people in Times Square, drunk and armed with noisemakers, would be quiet enough that you could hear a pin drop — or Hilary Swank’s character, Vice President of the Times Square Alliance, giving an inspirational speech about how the ball being stuck on its ascension to its perch reminds us all to take time to reflect.

I’ll add my own, which I found even more annoying than Bierly’s ten:

No way in hell does anyone just wander into Times Square on New Year’s Eve just as the ball is about to drop, as Abigail Breslin, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Zac Efron do in the movie. You wanna be in Times Square for that night? Plan on arriving in the early afternoon, when police will herd you into pens you may not leave — not to go to the bathroom, not for anything — until after the ball has dropped. You will not be allowed to decide at the last minute to join your teen pals. You will not be allowed to spontaneously crash the party just before midnight. Not even if you’re Zac Efron.

(If you stumble across a must-read link, feel free to email me.)

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