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biast | by maryann johanson

Unforgettable movie review: toxic femininity

Unforgettable red light

MaryAnn’s quick take…
Sure, Ice Queen is the villain here. She’s the one who’s in the wrong for doin’ ALL THE THINGS she was supposed to do, and her promised man-prize was stolen.tweet
I’m “biast” (pro): I’m desperate for movies about women
I’m “biast” (con): but not like this
(what is this about? see my critic’s minifesto)

Ooo, bitches be crazy… to other women! Why should men get all the suffering? Spread it around! Bitches be gaslighting ladies in here! Who says men should have all the fun?tweet It’s a bitch’s turn, bitches.

Bitch Rosario Dawson think she can steal the white-bread skim-milk husband of Ice Queen Katherine Heigl after all the work she put into him? Bitch is goin’ down. Ice Queen did not never eat cookies and burgers since she was like 12 so that cake-eatin’ beer-drinkin’ and still skinny-ass Nice New Girlfriend can have a sexy bath without the camera gettin’ all ominous and stalkery when she unsuspectingly drops her robe and gives us sideboob and tests the water with the beautiful toe at the end of her long slender golden brown naked calf and thigh up to here.

“Mommy, will I have your toxic femininity when I grow up?”

“Mommy, will I have your toxic femininity when I grow up?”tweet

Ice Queen will hate-polish the silver cake server like she gonna cut a bitch with it later.tweet Ice Queen ain’t just gaslightin’ a bitch but the audience too, with this, cuz she ain’t gonna touch that silver cake server again. Hate-polishin’ the silver cake server be all metaphoric ’n’ shit for how much Ice Queen despises Ice Queen Mother Cheryl Ladd who is a nasty piece of work but Ice Queen cannot admit to herself how much she would rather serve up toxic mommy on a silver platter, maybe give up this shallow materialistic life and eat whatever she wants all the time and move to the desert and wear comfy kaftans and take up pottery or some shit and learn how to relax.

So Ice Queen will redirect her inner Hater Barbie outside the gene pool, to the interloper who thinks she can pretend it ain’t HARD WORK to maintain male-decreed feminine perfection. Ice Queen will pass on ice-queeniness to her perfect little blonde doll of a daughter, because what will it all be FOR if the next generation of girls isn’t filled with self-loathing and defining her worth through male ownership of herself?

But Ice Queen ain’t no victim! Don’t you feel bad for Ice Queen!

“I’m the kooky best friend. I will not be appearing much in this movie.”

“I’m the kooky best friend. I will not be appearing much in this movie.”tweet

Bitch Rosario Dawson think she can be the editor of a big-ass ebook publishing site whose logo looks hella like Facebook’s and NOT be on Facebook? E-bitch will find out what gettin’ dumped on with vile misogny just for bein’ on social media be like when Ice Queen fakes a Facebook profile of that husband-stealin’ bitch in order to entice her restraining-ordered-ass ex of hers to come and git it. A bitch is either gettin’ punched on or doin’ the punchin’, and Ice Queen knows which one she is. If a bitch ain’t on the attack, she gettin’ attacked. Bitches always at war with other bitches. That just how it be,tweet no way around it.

Ice Queen is gonna BUY that same dress that looked so fine on that bitch sleepin’ in her husband’s bed now, and look even finer in it. Bam! That take, bitch.

Ice Queen gonna hate-sex-by-proxy the cute young waiter in her car, and then force him out in the rain when she done with him. That’ll show that useless husband of hers, or somethin’.

“I’m sorry I’m so white-bread for you, honey...”

“I’m sorry I’m so white-bread for you, honey…”tweet

Sure, Ice Queen is the villain here. She’s the one who’s in the wrong for doin’ ALL THE THINGS she was supposed to do, and it all got ruined anyway. The man-prize she was promised, her reward for bein’ a good girl, was taken away from her.

Bitch Denise Di Novi think she can make a move from producer to director in the noxious cesspit of locker-room Hollywood and NOT reinforce all the poisonous stereotypes that keep women miserable and competing with one another? Bitch think she’d be allowed to have any kind of female gaze to let us feel what is supposedly appealing about white-bread skimmed-milk husband? THAT bitch cray if she thought so.


red light 0 stars

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Unforgettable (2017) | directed by Denise Di Novi
US/Can release: Apr 21 2017
UK/Ire release: Apr 21 2017

MPAA: rated R for sexual content, violence, some language, and brief partial nudity
BBFC: rated 15 (strong sex, violence, language)

viewed at a public multiplex screening

official site | IMDb | trailer
more reviews: Movie Review Query Engine | Rotten Tomatoes

If you’re tempted to post a comment that resembles anything on the film review comment bingo card (now updated for 2017’s trolls!) you might want to reconsider.

  • RogerBW

    You win the Internet. Where would you like it sent?

  • Reese1379

    You didn’t like it then :)

  • Eric Hoheisel

    Well, the movie may not be good, but the review is a hoot! I didn’t know MaryAnn could speak Jerry Springer….

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