film review comment bingo (updated for 2017!)

Reader Danielm80 has updated his film comment bingo card — sourced from only the finest trolls here at FlickFilosopher.com — for 2017. Behold!

filmcommentbingo2017

Thanks, Daniel!

(Click here for a slightly larger version.)


PREVIOUS: 02.19.15

bingo

I’ve been meaning to get around to creating one of these forever, but reader Danielm80 beat me to it. Thank you very much! All hail Danielm80.

Feel free to respond to idiots in comments from now on with a sarcastic, “Ehh, nice G5.”

(Click here for a slightly larger version.)

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Danielm80
Danielm80
Thu, Feb 19, 2015 12:29pm

The sad part is: If “Bingo” had more than five letters, I could have added even more squares, like “When you say there aren’t enough films about women, it just proves that you’re sexist against men.”

RogerBW
RogerBW
reply to  Danielm80
Fri, Feb 20, 2015 5:35pm

British Bingo cards are 9×3 grids; I don’t see why you shouldn’t expand this. Great stuff!

“You should just turn off your brain and enjoy it” might be a subspecies of G5, but I think it deserves its own square.

Danielm80
Danielm80
reply to  RogerBW
Fri, Feb 20, 2015 7:03pm

We could probably make a whole card that’s nothing but variations on “It’s supposed to be mindless!” I left out “It’s not meant to be Shakespeare,” for example.

I have no problem with mindless films. I enjoyed all of the dreadful Transformers movies. I just don’t understand why people think mindlessness is a defense, or need a critic to approve of the film.

RogerBW
RogerBW
reply to  Danielm80
Fri, Feb 20, 2015 7:16pm

Fair point, and similarly O2 stands for all the “in the book, it’s like this” comments.
If there were room, I’d insert something along the lines of “but it’s obviously meant to be a parody of the sexist attitudes in mainstream movies”.

LaSargenta
LaSargenta
reply to  RogerBW
Fri, Feb 20, 2015 7:53pm

What are the rank/file identifiers for a 9×3 card?

Also, 9×3 only gives 2 more spaces…

RogerBW
RogerBW
reply to  LaSargenta
Fri, Feb 20, 2015 8:21pm

There are none. Typically five of the spaces in a row are filled in, and you can win by completing two rows or all fifteen filled spaces depending on the game. Wikipedia has more.

SailorSerena
SailorSerena
reply to  Danielm80
Sat, Feb 27, 2021 4:10pm

Another one you could have added:

“Who cares? Not every show has to include/represent/be fair towards women.”

Danielm80
Danielm80
reply to  SailorSerena
Sun, Feb 28, 2021 3:08pm

I’m starting to think that we really need just one Bingo square. It would say: “If you don’t like this movie the way I do, you must have a personality disorder.” The trolls don’t always agree on what the disorder is. They may think MaryAnn is too old or too prudish or too much of a man-hater or a Social Justice Warrior. Some of them are even convinced—and I think they genuinely believe this—that she reviews movies she hasn’t seen, just to make a political point.

There are exceptions, of course, like the commenter who was obsessed with vulvas. But most of the trolls have a bizarre, glorified view of film criticism that’s almost flattering. They think critics are so revered that any negative comments about a film could doom it forever at the box office. And while critics do influence people’s opinions about a movie (there are studies that confirm this, and I could also talk about my own personal affection for sites like this one), their authority is clearly limited, if you consider the popularity of the Twilight films—or how often very respected critics disagree with each other.

SailorSerena
SailorSerena
reply to  Danielm80
Sun, Feb 28, 2021 5:47pm

Yeah, people who think you can’t say one negative word about a film that they/the critics/the general population likes are annoying. Just let people like what they like and vice versa. Jeez. It’s especially harrowing when they feel the need to hurl every condescending and misogynistic insult at you. And when they assume you’re just trying to be political…like their views are somehow more “right” and less “political”.

the commenter who was obsessed with vulvas.

Wait…what? I’m sorry, this is a real thing?! Sounds like somebody needs to go back to Reddit.

amanohyo
amanohyo
reply to  SailorSerena
Thu, Mar 11, 2021 3:11pm

We used to have another commenter who was obsessed with full frontal male nudity in movies (he bizarrely felt they happened too often), and another, ever stranger dude who genuinely thought that Scarlett Johansson was a clone involved in some United Nations conspiracy.

I kinda miss harmless nuts like those two – recently it’s mostly just the people you mention – super political angry commenters arguing about how critics shouldn’t be so political.

I needed some background noise while repainting my bathrooms and decided to listen to the Alt Right Playbook. It’s remarkable how the methods and strategies described are also used by all of the angry commenters here. I’m not sure if it’s only because they’re all part of the alt-right or if that’s just the way people who see the world in very stark have/have not, black/white, us/them terms like to structure their arguments. I tend toward the latter, since I’ve seen both sides use these techniques, but it’s still an interesting analysis:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xGawJIseNY&list=PLJA_jUddXvY7v0VkYRbANnTnzkA_HMFtQ

Hank Graham
Hank Graham
Thu, Feb 19, 2015 4:36pm

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, as the saying goes.

And did someone really comment about the spelling of “biast”?

Damian Barajas
Damian Barajas
reply to  Hank Graham
Thu, Feb 19, 2015 7:45pm

The spelling of “Biast” has been brought up more than once to my knowledge.

Danielm80
Danielm80
reply to  Damian Barajas
Thu, Feb 19, 2015 8:25pm

It’s brought up so often that MaryAnn devoted an entire post to it:

https://www.flickfilosopher.com/2014/05/biast-weird-usages-strange-vocabulary-creative-writing.html

Breninar
Breninar
reply to  Danielm80
Fri, Feb 20, 2015 2:04am

Itʻs beautiful that you made that the center ʻfreeʻ space.

Rod Ribeiro
Rod Ribeiro
reply to  Hank Graham
Sat, Feb 21, 2015 1:49am

I was thinking just that, it’s hilarious in a very sad way.

(And hail Daniel!)

LaSargenta
LaSargenta
Thu, Feb 19, 2015 11:30pm

Hail, Daniel!!

DyNama
DyNama
Mon, Feb 23, 2015 9:50am

[long-time lurker] I especially like the “Did you really watch the movie?” type comments.

RogerBW
RogerBW
Fri, Feb 27, 2015 6:06pm

I2 variant: “You’re just looking for reasons to be offended.”

Kaitlyn Kline
Kaitlyn Kline
Sat, Feb 28, 2015 6:16am

B3… B3.

You are not a film critic. I’m sorry. You’re just not. You are a perfect real-life representation of Tabitha Dickinson from Birdman. You just label everything, because you are lazy. I hate that I have to quote the film directly, but with you, it just happens to be completely and utterly true.

Simon Swain
Simon Swain
reply to  Kaitlyn Kline
Sat, May 30, 2015 2:08am

Amen to that.

MaryAnn Johanson
reply to  Simon Swain
Sat, May 30, 2015 10:04am

So sorry that someone forced you to come to my fake film criticism site. You shouldn’t let people push you around like that.

Simon Swain
Simon Swain
reply to  MaryAnn Johanson
Thu, Jul 23, 2015 12:40pm

Oh dear… I came here from Film Review Query Engine (I can no longer remember which film I was reading about at the time). If I was ‘forced’ to do anything, it was to agree with the above comment having explored your site which I thought at first looked good. Anyway, goodbye.

Derek
Derek
Tue, Mar 03, 2015 6:39pm

This is awesome in so many ways.

Rebecca Dalmas
Rebecca Dalmas
Sat, Mar 21, 2015 9:15pm

Bravo, Daniel!

Jake Mason
Jake Mason
Mon, May 04, 2015 3:29am

This is embarrassing. You’re trying to shut down any kind of response that doesn’t support your viewpoint, which itself proves how weak your viewpoint really is

MaryAnn Johanson
reply to  Jake Mason
Mon, May 04, 2015 10:48am

Yes, it’s all legitimate intelligent discourse represented up there on the bingo card.

*snort*

theothermrb
theothermrb
reply to  MaryAnn Johanson
Fri, May 08, 2015 2:21am

The internet really needs to have a sarcasm highlighter. Anything tongue-in-cheek should be backlit in a peachy color. Because, honestly, as I read (okay, troll) these posts I can’t always tell. I got yours (*snort*), but some others I’m not sure. And I can’t take anyone with the initials KK seriously anymore…. Just sayin’. Ooh. And maybe a biast highlighter as well.
All Hail Daniel.

rosterri
rosterri
Fri, Jul 10, 2015 3:07am

This is just soooo awesome.

rwmcgee
rwmcgee
Sat, Aug 01, 2015 6:33pm

Now that you have the bingo card…you don’t really need the comments section anymore.

MaryAnn Johanson
reply to  rwmcgee
Sun, Aug 02, 2015 11:15am

And yet here you are.

MikeCJ
MikeCJ
Thu, Oct 22, 2015 8:32pm

A critic that is unusally susceptible to criticism….interesting.

MaryAnn Johanson
reply to  MikeCJ
Thu, Oct 22, 2015 10:44pm

Criticism is very welcome here. The stuff on that bingo card? Not criticism, at least not of any variety useful for talking intelligently about movies.

Jonathan Roth
Jonathan Roth
Thu, Sep 08, 2016 8:51pm

I’m somewhat surprised people think that these are not only valid criticisms, but that there’s apparently no other possible criticisms people could make.

Danielm80
Danielm80
reply to  Jonathan Roth
Thu, Sep 08, 2016 9:34pm

I’m having trouble parsing the second half of that sentence. I agree very strongly with the first half.

RogerBW
RogerBW
Thu, Nov 16, 2017 12:47pm

We use only the finest baby trolls dew-picked and flown from Rotten Tomatoes, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and sealed in a succulent, Swiss, quintuple-smooth, treble-milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose.

amanohyo
amanohyo
reply to  RogerBW
Thu, Nov 16, 2017 1:39pm

*gingerly tastes troll and smacks lips* hmm… there’s a generous sprinkle of coarse sea salt on here too that gives it a distinctive delicately sour, schadenfreudalicious tang. What kind of bait do you guys use?

Manalto
Manalto
reply to  amanohyo
Sun, Feb 04, 2018 9:09pm

Apparently any old bait will do.

Football Talk
Football Talk
Sun, Aug 16, 2020 4:06pm

it’s so cute that you think this is clever. Go you, little darlin’.