I’m “biast” (con): nothing
I have not read the source material
(what is this about? see my critic’s minifesto)
What in the holy hell is this fowl mess?
I’m not sure I’ve seen a movie for kids this year that is this bad at telling an engaging story about people we can care about. And I’ve seen Dolittle. And Scoob!.
This is an absolute disaster of a fantasy-action-crime-comedy kiddie caper in which people are constantly saying things such as:
• “The fate of both our worlds was in the hands of young Artemis Fowl.” And yet there is categorically no sense of fundamental menace to anything at all here.
•“The Aculos, which is, need I remind you, the most precious artifact in our civilization…” Because this is definitely how people talk: “The Bible, which is, need I remind you, the foundational mythology of our culture…”
• “The kid’s plan was fiendishly clever,” except this movie feels like it’s making its plot up as it goes along, because we don’t know the ground rules of its invented world, and once we do learn some of them, they feel utterly arbitrary, and designed to help the plot limp along, not to create a cohesive imaginary world. Also the kid’s supposed genius seems to be about nothing else but papering over huge plot holes… at least inasmuch as I am able to parse the plot. I’m so tired.
• “I’m Artemis Fowl, and I’m a criminal mastermind.” Uh, no, what? This comes at the closing of the movie, and appears to be a summing up of what is clearly intended to be an origin story for a tween hero to launch a new franchise… and I don’t understand how anything about this story is supposed to be showing 12-year-old Artemis (newcomer Ferdia Shaw) in a light so negative. I mean, yeah, he is a huge middle-school jerk, but hardly criminal. Which would appear to be a whole ’nother problem with this movie. I haven’t read the YA series this is based on, but I can read a Wikipedia synopsis, and while the books overtly posit young Fowl as a villain — as an outright villain — he is in no way that here, and in fact goes out of his way to try to arrange things so that he will not be seen as a bad guy.
I have used the expression “the mind boggles” before, and I thought I understood it, but my mind has not previously been boggled to this extreme.
If you’re confused right now, I promise you that I am much more coherent than this movie is.
Great ghost of Dumbledore! Artemis Fowl tromps along a tedious fantasy treadmill of secret magical worlds hidden from human eyes, and yet the fanciest flight here is the hope that this will actually fly in a way that captures the imaginations of Harry Potter fans. Maybe the books do. As I say, I have not read them. But this movie won’t. It is a mishmash of manufactured wonder in which characters are only barely sketched, moments meant to be moving land with a thud, and all the action is apparently setting up future Disney World thrill rides (and not even doing that well).
Here we have yet another Disney movie in which the young protagonist has a dead mother — which is not the case in the books, and WTF, screenwriters Conor McPherson (I Went Down) and Hamish McColl (Paddington, Johnny English Reborn)?! Artemis is out to rescue his father, who has been kidnapped by a nebulous supernatural baddie because of Reasons we never understand. (Colin Farrell [The Gentlemen, Dumbo] plays Artemis Fowl Sr, and he is barely in the movie, so don’t let his presence tempt you, as it did me.) It’s something to do with the aforementioned Aculos, which is nothing but a macguffin, although one with, I will grant, the power to throw a Band-Aid over the plot when it dead-ends. Everything is being told in flashback, by a giant dwarf — this is the height of the film’s humor: a giant dwarf — called Mulch Diggums (Josh Gad: Frozen II, The Angry Birds Movie 2), because dwarves like to dig *groan*, and not only is the narration an endlessly annoying array of infodumps, it also doesn’t make any sense. Like, is Mulch an unreliable narrator who isn’t telling the truth, and if he is telling the truth, why doesn’t it hang together?
Also this movie is essentially racist for saying that dwarves are constitutionally unable to stop themselves from stealing. Really? They are all pickpockets? All of them? (Is this in the books? If so, the books suck.) And if this is the case, why is the entire race of dwarves criminalized for their escapable nature? (This is all played as a joke.)
Also also: Judi Dench (Red Joan, Murder on the Orient Express) is here as the gruff commander of fairy law enforcement — the Lower Elements Police Reconnaissance, or LEP-Recon *groan* — because obviously Cats was not embarrassment enough for her. Maybe she owed a favor to director Kenneth Branagh?
I’m so tired.
‘Artemis Fowl’ is streaming globally on Disney+.