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2014 preview: only movies left underived

Here are the few films coming in 2014 that are not sequels, remakes, reboots, or based on a stage show, the Bible, young-adult novels, comic books, cartoons, or — someone make it stop — toy lines.

Ninja Assassin (review)

‘Ninja assassin.’ It’s like ‘monster trucks’ and ‘automatic weapons’ and ‘zombie Nazis’: you take two great things that are awesome separately, and then you put ’em together and it becomes like totally mindblowing, dude. Oh not.

Speed Racer (review)

Only by the end — when it suddenly turns ‘intense’ and ‘dramatic’ — does it become so bad it’s laughable, and by that point, I just wanted to cry…