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Fortunately, it’s morning in America, and our small towns are full of misunderstood young adolescent boys ready to save the world. Cut to Alan Abernathy (Gregory Smith), pedaling along on his expensive bicycle through the greensward of the town square on a beautiful, sunny, perfect afternoon, the pleasant townsfolk zipping by in their American cars at 15 MPH. (Note to Joe Dante: Even Spielberg isn’t doing anything this Spielberg anymore.)
Boy, I was really ready to hate G.I. Jane. Stupid title, stupid Demi Moore with her pretty face and no talent, stupid Hollywood movie that will gussy the military up and splatter it with a lot of politically correct bull dinky. But wow. G.I. Jane takes all those preconceived notions, turns them around, and uses them to force you to reconsider.
I suspected The Fifth Element was gonna turn out to be a bunch of claptrap, and I was right. It’s a visually stunning film, to be sure — I’m a sucker for gorgeous spaceships and gorgeous spacescapes — but ultimately it’s a strange brew of Blade Runner, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Douglas Adams, mixed with a lot of pseudoreligious, pseudoscientific nonsense.
Oh, there will be those who say that Armageddon is mindless fluff, a complete waste of celluloid, a blot on humanity’s collective soul. Heed them not. Director Michael Bay and producer Jerry Bruckheimer have crafted as fine an educational experience as you will find these days.
Damn! Mulan is thisclose to being not just a brilliant animated film, but a brilliant film, period. It has a dramatic story, a heroine who kicks butt, a villain who kicks butt, a square-jawed hero with a not-so-nice side, and some of the most sweepingly gorgeous visuals since Beauty and the Beast. But Mulan is dragged down by insipid songs that feel tacked on and silly, inappropriate sidekicks and secondary characters.
Get past Duchovny’s good looks, and you see that he’s a terribly interesting actor. On the surface, his Eugene seems too together to have succumbed 1) to drugs and then 2) to crime. But Duchovny uses this apparent strength as Eugene’s weakness — it’s his hubris and overconfidence that leads to his downfall.
It’s all dark alleys and furtive conversations with mysterious informers and twisted paranoia that’s not paranoid enough. And cool aliens and secret cabals and lots and lots of FBI windbreakers. And scads of unresolved sexual tension between Our Heros.
You know all that prattling on I’ve done about characters, and how lack of attention to them can make for a pretty boring flick? Well, whaddaya know: ‘Breakdown’ couldn’t give two figs for characterization, and it doesn’t matter.
Hah! You thought I was going to discuss whether Anne Heche, world-renowned lesbian, can possibly convince the world she’s hot for sensitive macho man Harrison Ford. Well, she can — she and Ford send some nice sparks flying. The problem is, the movie won’t let those sparks ignite.
If I’d known beforehand that Ben Stiller directed The Cable Guy, I might have been more excited by the prospect of seeing it. And I’d have been all the more disappointed in the end.
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