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cultural vandal | by maryann johanson

cinemastrology: cinemascopes for the week of 03.02-03.08

If you’re not already familiar with the history of cinemastrology — and it’s likely that you aren’t, considering how new this fad is that’s sweeping the movie industry, and how secretive the followers of Filamadamus are — please check out my introduction. As far as I can determine, no one else outside the Hollywood inner circle has seen this — you’re certainly not going to find it on E! Online.

Please remember that I’m seeing these cinemascopes pretty much at the same time you are. In fact, after rigorous negotiations with my source over the past few months through which I thought we had worked out all the issues of confidentiality and security and secrecy this person was demanding (and not without justification, if only 10 percent of what the source has told me is true), my source almost backed out of providing this first example of the cinemascopes at the last minute. I had hoped to post these first thing this morning, but I just spent the last few hours on the phone with the source in Southern California reassuring this person that my vow of silence is total. (I do know the identity of the source — I felt it necessary in order to assure myself and you, my readers, that this isn’t a hoax or a joke: this person has proven that he/she has deep-inside access to the Hollywood machine. I will reveal the identity of my source only if certain events come to pass — and even what most of these events are must be kept secret. I can say that one of them is the drawing and quartering of Michael Bay; another is the exile of either of the Weinsteins to a small Caribbean island without an extradition treaty with the U.S. More than that, I cannot say.)
So, I just received these cinemascopes a few minutes ago, and have had little time to puzzle over what they might mean to devotees of Filamadamus, or to whom which cinemascope sign might apply. I have no more information than you do at this point: we’re all in this together over the next few weeks and months. I suspect the accumulation of information will slowly begin to offer insight into what, precisely, is behind so much of what is happening in Hollywood today. After a few weeks’ worth of cinemascopes, I’ll begin to try to offer some analysis. For now, I’ll let them speak for themselves.

Here are the ten signs of cinemastrology, and what counsel members of each sign have received for the coming week:

il rosa della bussola (sign of the compass rose): You know what must be done — why do you hesitate? Strength of character and the engine of wisdom are yours, and those who would oppose you are merely yet to recognize your dominion. Ensure they see its force.

il chicco di caffè (sign of the coffee bean): Never would be the perfect time to embark upon what you are considering. Now is the time to aim your energies in a new direction; now is the time to convince yourself to acknowledge a hard truth. Be careful on Saturday.

il coltello da formaggio (sign of the cheese knife): Think flowers and perfume, bright colors and happy songs. You are the center of the universe at this moment — celebrate it, revel in it, but don’t forget that only by seizing these hours will you gather to you what you seek.

il libro dimenticato (sign of the forgotten book): The mongoose is most effective when it chooses not to chase the snake; the fox is cleverest when it avoids the trap; the rat is at the height of its powers when it declines the cheese. Indulge your basest desires at your own peril.

il gnocchi avanzi (sign of the leftover potato dumpling): Rejoice! Your hidden treasure is about to make itself known, and those who doubted will see your great worth. Three attempts at least, or four, will be required for another endeavor; they will be repaid in kind.

il pressa enologic (sign of the wine press): The world is a beautiful place, if you pay homage to the powers that make it so. Someone will ask you for an unpleasant favor on Sunday; whether you accede or decline may have longstanding consequences. The wisest do not decide lightly.

il pugnale avvelenata (sign of the poisoned dagger): Quick and deadly is how your peers see you, and frequent reminders of your sharp qualities will assure their continued obeisance. Mercy is not in your makeup — avoid the temptation to give in to it.

il ratto nero infetto con peste (sign of the plague-infected black rat): The value of your service continues to be unappreciated. When you clear the gutter of fools already half dead, you make room for the vigorous and the healthy. You are sovereign in the street — trust that your instincts are correct.

il monarca lieto (sign of the joyful king): The summit of power is never a place of certainty: there will always be those whose jealousy threatens your reign. Seemingly idle gossip is a mighty sword of your enemies — behead this monster before it destroys you.

il pittore pazzo (sign of the mad painter): Ignore all who surround you, particularly when their voices do not sing in harmony with yours. The sky is purple; the sea is orange; the wind is yellow. Beware the number 12 and the letter G.

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