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maryann johanson, ruining movies since 1997

cinemastrology: cinemascopes for the week of 03.16-03.22

What with the Isaac Hayes thing and the Crash Oscar win, I feel like I’m starting to see the hand of cinemastrology at work in all the weird Hollywood stuff going on. Not that there hasn’t always been bizarre and seemingly inexplicable things going on in Hollywood, but it’s like how when you own a red car, all the cars on the road seem to be red. You know how your brain plays tricks on you like that?

I realize that that’s hardly a rational argument in favor of the truth of cinemastrology… not the truth of the divination system, that is, but the truth of how it’s got all the movie industry in its sway, I mean. Still, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if one day — sooner or later — it turned out that my cinemastrology informer turned out to be pulling a fast one on me. We’ll just have to wait and see how it all plays out.

And wow: an actual name in one of this week’s cinemascopes! I wonder what that could mean…

Here are the ten signs of cinemastrology, and — according to my informer — what counsel members of each sign have received for the coming week:
il rosa della bussola (sign of the compass rose): Spinning in place only makes you dizzy, even if it sometimes feels good. Once you embark on this journey, though, it forever consumes you. Eight is what you want, nine less so.

il chicco di caffè (sign of the coffee bean): Chug slurp drink imbibe consume swallow digest. Much in your daily existence is confusing — much is clear. Later, plaid is plain, bumpy is smooth. Perfect.

il coltello da formaggio (sign of the cheese knife): Just as but curdled milk transforms itself into the food of the gods, so may the lowliest creature ascend to the highest heights. Bide your time and what you deserve will cross your path — watch closely lest you miss it.

il libro dimenticato (sign of the forgotten book): Page after page of your life slips away like a duel in the dark. The road is long, but the freeway is longer. Prepackaged meat is less likely to spoil than the freshly butchered.

il gnocchi avanzi (sign of the leftover potato dumpling): Never apologize for standing your ground and standing up for what you believe in — you may find others standing with you. The glory of the past is not entirely forgotten by all, and you have allies where you least expect to find them.

il pressa enologic (sign of the wine press): Evermore the intoxication of the dreamstate is your homeland. Abstract painting is the refuge of the confused; luxury cruises are the escape of the wicked. Peanuts.

il pugnale avvelenata (sign of the poisoned dagger): Paranoia and suspicion are your best friends in the world in which you walk — but don’t be afraid to discard them in favor of other, less salubrious qualities, either. You know who to keep an eye on this week: you’ve taken note of this character before.

il ratto nero infetto con peste (sign of the plague-infected black rat): When you’re tempted to go overboard this week, resist the urge — go triply wild instead. Everything you’ve ever wanted is within your grasp, if only you don’t restrain yourself.

il monarca lieto (sign of the joyful king): Old-fashioned is fantastic! The Golden Age is due for a return, and you’re the royalty to usher it back. Others follow where you lead, so lead well, and you will continue to be justly rewarded.

il pittore pazzo (sign of the mad painter): Sugar-coated. Rats. Lemon meringue pie. Motorola Razr. Joss Whedon. Runaway cactus. Garbage. Spam e-mail. Payphone. Chinese emperor. Beagle. Gingham. Cheap diner.

(catch up with the unfolding story of cinemastrology here)

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