Isaac Hayes: cinemastrologist, not Scientologist

You’ve heard about the flap Isaac Hayes is raising over South Park, right:

Scientologist Isaac Hayes has quit the Comedy Central show South Park where he did voiceover for the character of “Chef” for a decade. Hayes claims it’s because of “intolerance and bigotry toward religious beliefs” reports the New York Daily News.

The creators of South Park are not strangers to such controversy and were quick to dispute Hayes’s claims.

“This has nothing to do with intolerance and bigotry and everything to do with the fact that Isaac Hayes is a Scientologist and that we recently featured Scientology in an episode of ‘South Park,’ In 10 years and over 150 episodes… Isaac never had a problem with the show making fun of Christians, Muslims, Mormons and Jews. He got a sudden case of religious sensitivity when it was his religion featured on the show,” South Park co-creator Matt Stone said in a prepared statement.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, my secret Hollywood correspondent and cinemastrology informer has some insight on this:

This Isaac Hayes thing has nothing to do with Scientology, and everything to do with cinemastrology. It is true that Hayes USED TO BE a Scientologist, but everyone in the know KNOWS that he has been following Filamadamus’s teachings for some time now. The real story about his leaving the show has nothing to do with that Scientology episode — if it was about that, Hayes would have left BEFORE THAT EPISODE WAS MADE. But he didn’t. Why would he wait till after the episode was done and had already aired?

The real story is that Parker and Stone were doing an episode making fun of cinemastrology — I’ve seen the script and it’s all about how Chef turns to cinemastrology and starts serving nothing but coffee and cheese in the school cafeteria and talking all about Filamadamus’s prophecies and of course all the kids turn on Chef and make fun of him. Which would have been really funny because the kids were all hopped up on all the caffeine in the coffee they’ve been drinking. It would have been a HILARIOUS episode. Parker and Stone don’t have any more tolerance for this cinemastrology stupidity than they do for any other kind of stupidity.

They had just started the animation and I managed to get this one still from the episode. I GUARANTEE that we will never see this episode now, because there are some POWERFUL people behind cinemastrology and they DO NOT WANT everyone to know what’s going on.

In case you’re just discovering the cinemastrology story, that’s a picture of Filamadamus on Chef’s shirt.

Catch up on the cinemastrology story here. My correspondent promises to get me this week’s cinemascopes momentarily, so stay tuned.

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