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rare female film critic | by maryann johanson

South Park and Chef, James Bond and Daniel Craig: all cinemastrology

My secret cinemastrology correspondent writes:

Holy shit, the shit is hitting the fan. This South Park thing is getting crazy — people are seriously afraid of Trey and Matt, I can tell you! DO NOT THINK this rampage that Tom Cruise is on has anything to do with Scientology. Well, it does, but only because the crazy Thetan freaks are AFRAID of the power of cinemastrology that everyone is giving it. If you know what I mean.

Anyway, sorry to be so late getting you this week’s cinemascopes, but PEOPLE ARE NOTICING your postings and passwords have been changed and it took a while for me to hack into the system they get distributed from.

Me, I’m getting a little suspicious about this cinemastrology thing, at least as it’s connected to Isaac Hayes and South Park, as filmfodder points out, it could all be a huge stunt to get folks to tune in to tonight’s season-10 premiere episode.

More from my correspondent:

Totally on another issue… you KNOW the whole Daniel Craig thing is totally driven by cinemastrology, right? There’s a sonnet in volume 4 of Filamadamus’s “Sopra Il Linea” that’s all about this, or so the devotees say:

Fair of hair and fair of eye
Shall be the man shaken not stirred
And bare to the elements shall he be by and by
Though outrage echo for all to be heard

Also, I totally will NOT go into the whole Daniel thing happening in British/Hollywood shit: Dan Craig, Dan Radcliffe, Dan Brown’s movie set partly in London… It is NOT a coincidence.

I dread to imagine what my secret correspondent might be referring to: Is Harry Potter gonna go the full monty because of some stupid 16th-century sonnet like Bond is supposedly going to in the next 007 flick? If so, cinemastrology must be stopped.

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