I think it’s time to remind readers of the background of this cinemastrology stuff. I am being fed this info by someone who, as best I can determine, actually has the kind of insider access needed to unearth this stuff, but for whom I cannot actually vouch 100 percent. It could all be a giant put-on. On the other hand, it has the ring of truth to it. My informer sends me these “cinemascopes” every week, which allegedly many of the creative and business types in Hollywood are following for guidance. You may wish to take it all with a grain of salt… but see if it doesn’t all seem to make a whole helluva lotta sense…
I’ve posted everything I know. You are as informed about this stuff as I am. We’re all still waiting for a hint of how one determines which sign one is… though we’re getting close to a moment when I can start making educated guesses. And we learned last week which sign a few familiar names identify with. You can catch up with the weird story as it has unfolded here.
So, here are the ten signs of cinemastrology, and — according to my informer — what counsel members of each sign have received for the coming week:
• il rosa della bussola (sign of the compass rose): The travails you suffer, nobody knows — they think your life is all kittens and comfort. But they’re appreciate your pain one day, when the difficulties you labor under are revealed. Till then, suck it up.
• il chicco di caffè (sign of the coffee bean): Once those you serve realize how much you know, they may be a bit kinder… but don’t count on it. This world extends far beyond the boundaries most see — its influence would shock you. So keep your mouth shut, for your own good.
• il coltello da formaggio (sign of the cheese knife): When you find the perfect piece, buy one in every color. It’s all tax deductible anyway, right? And nothing feels better than a new wardrobe when the only other option is suicide.
• il libro dimenticato (sign of the forgotten book): If you can trust in yourself, you can trust in others. If you want to succeed, don’t be so stubborn as to fail to take advice offered in kindness… or in the hopes of grabbing a percentage of your luck.
• il gnocchi avanzi (sign of the leftover potato dumpling): When you are tempted to do something rash, recall the others who have been in your shoes — for a while — and have nevertheless triumphed once again. Patience… patience…
• il pressa enologic (sign of the wine press): Varietals are the spice of life, and a well-stocked cellar is a sign of a well-rounded aesthete. When the beauty of the world overwhelms you, look to your betters — they’ll remind you of your place.
• il pugnale avvelenata (sign of the poisoned dagger): Rmember when your mother said things like, If you don’t have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut? Or, Share you toys? What did she know, anyway? She’s still living in Iowa, for pete’s sake.
• il ratto nero infetto con peste (sign of the plague-infected black rat): There are times when, in the forests of confusion and the whirlpools of depression, you recognize that you have not yet achieved all you desire. This is your own fault, but you can remedy this. Trust only yourself, for only you are the guardian of your own affairs.
• il monarca lieto (sign of the joyful king): When people say No to you — should they even dare — they really mean they want to be subject to your dazzling powers of persuasion. Some are worth seducing. If you haven’t learned to enjoy that by now, you never will.
• il pittore pazzo (sign of the mad painter): More people have gone crazy from eating paint chips than from opening cans of tuna. Ask the cat whether she thinks you’ve gone off the deep end. I bet she’s dumbfounded by the question.