cinemastrology stranglehold on Jeremy Piven, Lindsay Lohan

I was so crazed last week — and I’m still trying to catch up on everything — that I didn’t even have the time or energy to hassle my cinemastrology correspondent, who failed to send me anything useful last week. But today I received this:

Sorry you haven’t heard from me in a bit! It’s been insane around here. I can’t really say much of anything, but the place where I work has been going nuts because of something REALLY MAJOR that is probably going to hit the press this week or next, unless my boss can shut it up and keep it quiet. From what I see about how things work around here, I’m not too confident about this! Anyway, watch for a BIG scandal regarding a BIG star real soon!

Without giving too much away — I do feel the need to protect this person’s identity as much as possible — I can say that it’s safe for you to imagine that my cinemastrology informer works in a fairly low-ranking capacity for a major Hollywood player. Think PR agency, talent agency, movie studio… that kind of thing. I’ve been convinced that this person has access to the kind of of info he/she is supplying while also being under-the-radar enough to escape notice that he/she is slipping it to me on the sly.

There’s more:

I had to wait, for a bunch of reasons, til this appeared in the press today to tell you this, but now it’s out and so I can spill the beans: Jeremy Piven is a prick. Not that that’s like a huge secret or anything. He’s a huge cinemastrology nut and he thinks he’s like il monarca lieto, which is what the super big movie stars are, but my sources say he’s actually il pressa enologic, which is more like what C-listers are. I can’t say exactly where in Filamadamus’ book he’s getting any advice, but did you hear about what he got up to at Bungalow 8 the other night? That’s totally a sign of someone taking the WRONG advice from Il Ligna Sopra.

Actually, it’s Sopra Il Linea. And I took a look around for what this person is referencing, and I found this in Page Six of the New York Post, a newspaper that I generally will not even line my parakeets’ birdcage with but is good for gossip sometimes, at least:

Piven, a well-known swordsman who once made out with four different women in 10 minutes in front of a Page Six reporter, had just gotten done telling our spy how he wanted to “score with chicks,” when Dorff – who was in “Blade” and “Cecil B. DeMented” – cut the bathroom line in front of him.
According to our source, the altercation was “very high school.”
Piven: “Yo, what are you doing? You know you don’t need to cut the line!”
Dorff: “I can do what I want!”
Piven: “No, you can’t!”

Dorff: “Yes, I can!”
Piven: “You’re a has-been!”
Dorff: “At least I am a movie star – you’re only on TV! Cable TV!”

Seriously, how could such an exchange not be the result of taking advice from a 500-year-old guy who smelled of cheese and wine and spent his days hanging around coffeehouses chatting up mad scientists?

That’s from the Post. This is from my cinemastrology friend again:

And this is totally awesome, in a really sad way. Did you hear about Lindasy [sic] Lohan quitting her new movie because the directors weren’t like superstars enough? Holy crap. She’s totally getting bad advice from her people AND from cinemastrology. (She’s another il pressa enologic who thinks she’s il monarca lieto.)

It’s true… at least the quitting part. Really rich:

Lohan Quits New Movie

Mean Girls star Lindsay Lohan has walked away from her new movie, Bill, after refusing to work with the film’s first-time directors because they’re not well known enough. The movie, which also stars Aaron Eckhart and Amanda Peet, was scheduled to already be in production. Lohan is said to be concentrating on her next film, Georgia Rule, starring Jane Fonda and Felicity Huffman. A source told Fox News correspondent Roger Friedman, “She’s just going to stick to working with big-name directors now.”

That’s from the Internet Movie Database.

Ya just gotta wonder about these Hollywood types. How delusional can they get?

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