reviews

Oh. Mygod. This is so totally like this trip that my best friend Tiffany and I are planning? For when we so totally turn 18? We’re gonna, like, so totally go to Europe for like six months and bum around and go to all those cute cities that have cobblestone streets and colorful money and meet totally hot Europe-ish guys with amazing accents and get into totally hot clubs and hear awesome bands and not even have to use fake IDs cuz you can drink when you’re 18 there, god that’s so, like, civilized, and shop and shop and shop (with Daddy’s credit cards, of course).

It’s idiots on parade as three lifelong pals — played by Undercover Brother Eddie Griffin, The Sopranos‘s Michael Imperioli, and Kangaroo Jack‘s Anthony Anderson, whose mere presence in a film has come to be a harbinger of doom — all knock up their girlfriends at the same time and Just Can’t Cope with fatherhood or … more…

Well, it’s official. All you aspiring actresses coming on the bus to Movieland from Iowa or Kansas? You might as well turn around right now and go home. Unless you look like a supermodel, of course. Cuz The Movie’s ‘No Fat Chicks/No Ugly Chicks’ sign has been given a new spit-and-polish. Oh, it’s not that they won’t make the odd film about fat or ugly chicks, or even just ordinary-looking chicks without supernatural cheekbones and with enough body fat to actually menstruate, it’s just that they’ll hire gorgeous, statuesque, rail-thin blondes who’ll gain artistic weight and sit for three hours of makeup in order to look like a mere mortal, like the way the rest of us look all the time.

Some people claim to have strong, precise memories from their very earliest childhood. Me, it’s all a jumble. Am I really remembering an event, or am I remembering stories of it from long after? Or am I remembering photos of it? Often, that’s the most likely explanation, to my mind. My memories all seem to have that gauzy quality…

I love Tim Burton’s films, even when they’re not great. I love his unflinching weirdness. I love that he’ll take a chance and go the extra mile of excessiveness even if he fails half the time to take us along, because when he succeeds, it’s like nothing you’ve ever experienced before. I love all the baroque curlicues — visual and intellectual and humorous — of his vision.

I’m of the opinion that there is no situation for which *The Princess Bride* cannot provide an appropriate quote. And the first thing that sprang to mind when I failed to be blown away by *Cold Mountain* was: ‘Nothing you can say will upset me.’

Will people freak at this film? Not that there’s anything wrong with that — people should freak at films, sometimes; it’s good to get your complacency shaken up a bit — but it’s easy to see how the self-righteous, sanctimonious, think-of-the-children cabal could get their panties in a twist over this new *Peter Pan.*

Horsies! Pretty horsies! Pretty, pretty horsies! Running in the desert, with the dunes and the sunset and exotic mystery! In huge, glorious IMAX! In post-WWII Arabia, young Neera (Biana Tamimi) befriends a wild black colt she names Shetan, and with the help of her pal Aden (Patrick Elyas), she hopes to use the colt, whom … more…

Starring Ben Affleck and Uma Thurman. And Ben Affleck and Uma Thurman’s stunt doubles, who get at least as much screen time as the ostensible stars. Shootouts, showers of breaking glass, car-motorcycle-helicopter chases, and games of chicken with subway trains: director John Woo isn’t gonna risk their pretty faces, so all the big action set … more…