The story is almost beside the point, because Tom Cruise’s nude torso that I could be running my hands all over and because the young kittenish leads in this story cobbled together around awesome 80s hair-band stadium anthems are the weakest part of it.
“Honey, it’s time you know that soon you’ll be a woman… and a stalker called Stayfree will be with you for the next 40 years of your life.”
Oh, this is just sad…
A time travel plot can feel like a huge narrative swindle if not handled correctly. But there’s no big do-over button hovering over this tale. Nope: the timey-wimey stuff here is clever, funny, thrilling, even poignant.
Yes, even when it’s 90 in the shade. Hussy.
Hoorah for Tim Burton and the new nadir of narcissistic awfulness he achieves here. Dark Shadows dares to be nothing but the wisp of its own conceit.
Mommy, why is the clown singing at me?!
I think it’s especially mysterious when we think back on how optimistic the 90s were in a many ways, certainly compared to the despair of today.
Horrors! Cavity Creeps are attacking Toothopolis!
In the days before 20-ounce Cokes loaded with high-fructose corn syrup, this was probably actually true…