• ANNOUNCER
• Coming this Friday night, only to USA -- or maybe TBS -- THE HUNTED, starring Chuck Norris and Dean Cain!

JUMP TO:

INT. HOLLYWOOD MEETING ROOM

An INTERN bursts into the room, startling the executives around the conference table.

• INTERN
• Wait! Jones and Del Toro said yes!

• EXEC
• Cool beans! Forget cable! We're going theatrical!

INT. YOUR HOUSE - 3:41AM SUNDAY

You flip boredly and exhaustedly around the cable spectrum, hoping to find something to either cure your insomnia or shock you awake. You land on a commercial.

• ANNOUNCER
• Coming this Friday, only to theaters -- THE HUNTED, starring Academy Award winners Tommy Lee Jones and Benicio Del Toro!

• YOU
• Cool beans! I'm sure this will totally rock, just like The Fugitive or Traffic, the films for which these fine actors garnered their distinguished awards!

INT. MULTIPLEX - 8:15PM FRIDAY NIGHT

• YOU
• Oh man, this is gonna so totally rock!

EXT. MOVIE SET IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST - RAIN

DEL TORO, hunched over a dog-eared script covered with scribbled notes, confers with director WILLIAM FRIEDKIN.

• DEL TORO
• So I'm a soldier, I'm battle-scarred, I'm angst-ridden, sure. But what's my motivation?

• FRIEDKIN
• (shrugs)
• A paycheck?

• DEL TORO
• No, no. What's my character's motivation? Why do I go insane and start killing people?

• FRIEDKIN
• Motivation? Kid, I haven't made a decent movie since you were in kindergarten. Hello, The Exorcist? That was it, kid. I pretty much shot my wad with that one.

• DEL TORO
• (confused)
• But I don't understand the whole opening sequence. Why am I targeting hunters?

• FRIEDKIN
• So we can stage a cool forest chase sequence, okay? Look, we hauled everyone up to the Pacific Northwest -- we're gonna at least use the woods.

INT. MULTIPLEX - 8:21PM FRIDAY NIGHT

• YOU
• Uh oh.

ON THE SCREEN

• TOMMY LEE JONES
• Listen up, everyone, Benicio Del Toro has escaped from police custody. I want you to search every outhouse, hen house, dog house... er, cat house... penthouse...
• (hangs head in despair)
• Oh god.

• YOU
• I am experiencing Fugi-vu, the feeling that I saw this in The Fugitive.

• YOUR FRIEND
• But, dude, that is like a perfect movie. Do not besmirch The Fugitive.

EXT. PORTLAND, OREGON CITY STREET - RAIN

Jones and Del Toro prepare for a shot.

• DEL TORO
• So, Tommy, this is where we get to do the big cat-and-mouse chase bit, right, exciting, sorta Fugitive-style smart stuff?

• JONES
• Goddammit, this is NOT The Fugitive! It's completely different! I'm not a U.S. marshal but a wildlife-tracker-turned-military-consultant, and I'm hunting you down because you're taking this "killing for your country" thing too seriously. No one-armed man! No unjustly convicted innocent!

• DEL TORO
• But it's gonna be smart, right, like The Fugitive? I mean, c'mon, Friedkin did The French Connection.

• JONES
• Yeah, when you were in kindergarten. Look at this--
• (opens his script)
• None of it makes any goddamn sense. This chase jumps from a city street to the middle of the woods. And here--
• (flips pages)
• You construct elaborate booby traps in the space of a few minutes while also attempting to conceal yourself from me, the dead-to-rights tracker?

• DEL TORO
• (disappointed)
• Kinda sounds more like The A-Team.

• JONES
• Yeah, but without the appealing goofiness.

• DEL TORO
• But c'mon, we're two amazing actors. We're at least gonna bring something riveting to the screen, no matter how stupid everything around us is. Right? Look--

Del Toro GLOWERS under SEXILY HOODED EYES.

• DEL TORO
• C'mon, gimme something to work with.

Jones shakes his head tiredly.

• JONES
• Uh, no, son. I appreciate your energy, but no.

CONNIE NIELSEN bounds onto the set.

• CONNIE NIELSEN
• Hey guys, what's going on? Can I be in the movie, too? Can I? Huh?

• JONES
• No.

Del Toro's cell phone RINGS -- he takes it from a pocket and answers.

• DEL TORO
• Hello?

• FRIEDKIN'S VOICE
• And.... action!

INT. MULTIPLEX - 9:47PM FRIDAY NIGHT

• YOU
• Let's go home and watch my DVD of The Fugitive again.

• YOUR FRIEND
• Dude.