A Helluva Thing
Reason No. 143,854 why invading Iraq was a bad idea: It woke up the “patriarch” of all vampires, who was slumbering in the desert, and boy is he pissed.
Or maybe it was the Syrian desert. The subtitle in the beginning of the film, at Dracula’s wake-
I’m not sure which would be worse: a movie in which you couldn’t trust the subtitles, or a movie with Ryan Reynolds.
Oh, and the original vampire really is called Dracula — and also Drake, when “Dracula” sounds too silly, I guess — and half the time he looks like one of those Predator aliens that Arnold Schwarzengger fought, with the jaws and the dreadlocks and all, and half the time he looks like a Eurotrash Henry Rollins, with the bulging muscles and the leather pants. Drake (Dominic Purcell: Mission: Impossible 2) was “born perfect,” which the leather pants would seem to belie, and has all sorts of intriguing demonic powers like shapeshifting, and yet is still no match for a mere pseudo-
That’s a major problem with movies like Blade: Trinity: it’s the latest in a series that’s about little more than blowing away bad guys in ways never before committed to film, and if the bad guys and their deaths aren’t bigger and badder than the last time around, no one will care (not that we do anyway). But when you inoculate your viewers like this and keep upping the ante, eventually you run into a brick wall: even the Star Trek movies had only gotten to number 5 before they were apparently going up against God Almighty himself… and beating him. If the patriarch of all vampires just ain’t that tough, it’s time to pack it in. In fact, it was time to pack it in before we were subjected to this movie. Since this is not possible, we can only hope that Blade 4 does not feature vampire Jesus. Though how could it not?
“People will be surprised at how funny this movie is,” Goyer believes. I think that comment is pretty much the funniest thing about the film. Unless it’s when Goyer compares Blade (Wesley Snipes: Undisputed) to the Clint Eastwood character in Unforgiven. But probably, Clint Eastwood’s character in Unforgiven would be horrified at Goyer’s cranking up of an aspect of the Blade series that was already over the top: the fetishized violence and cinematic lovemaking to guns, blades, and bullets. Goyer’s one really original concept here is that, hey, the bow and arrow can be a way-