There’s a sexy figure on display throughout House of Wax, and we probably won’t see its like ever again. It’s the sign at a rural Florida gas station announcing that the price of gas is — *drool* — $1.19 a gallon. Oh, baby.
You thought I was talking about Paris Hilton’s figure? Pul-eeze. I find it hard to believe anyone finds her genuinely exciting — any appeal is more that of a fiery car wreck on the interstate, isn’t it? — but however you rate her on the sexy scale, the fact is that if a bit of mystery is vital to sexiness, she really is a bit too, ah, overexposed to qualify.
But clearly, pimping why-
Oh, wait, that last one? That’s the one satisfying moment of the movie. But the only thing approaching satire is how Hilton looks like she’s encased in wax from the very beginning of the movie, long before she and her homies stumble upon the crazy guys who run the museum full of suspiciously realistic-
Did I say “horror-
And then there’s these kids, who do the equivalent of walking into that Gothic house and ignoring all the blood and rusty implements of torture in order to sit down and start psychoanalyzing themselves and their relationships with one another. It’s meant to be “clever” and “original,” I think, that twins Carly (Elisha Cuthbert: Love Actually, Old School) and Nick (Chad Michael Murray: Freaky Friday) have to unravel their contentious relationship — “Mom always liked you better,” that kind of stuff — while also fighting off the twin psychos (Brian Van Holt: Man of the House, S.W.A.T., as both brothers) who run the museum and enjoy imprisoning still-
Actually, almost every line uttered by Paris Hilton ends up being a mini review of the film: “I’m gonna throw up.” “Oh my god I hate you.” “Put down that camera.” Though I have no doubt that those instances of satire are entirely unintentional. They don’t make the film worth watching, though. If you really must, you can see Paris’s other movie online for free, anyway.