I’ve got too much grownup stuff on my mind at the moment. I need to file my first tax return in the U.K. this month, which is a chore and a worry. And I need to find a new place to live by the end of the month, which is a hassle at the best of times, and much worse when operating on a starving-writer budget. This is grownup stuff that’s no fun.
But sometimes being a grownup is fun. Like how my little cousin, who was then around nine, was astonished that I was “allowed” to wear my pajamas all day; I explained that that was one of the nice things about being a grownup.
What made you finally feel like a grownup? (I hope it’s a nice thing, but I suppose it could be an unpleasant thing, too.) For me, it was the moment in my first apartment, when I was only 19 years old, when I realized that the fridge was all mine, that I could put anything into it that I wanted, and that no one else would have anything to say about it. Not that my parents, when I had been living in their house, had been fridge tyrants or anything, which I think is partly why this realization struck me so hard and why I’ve never forgotten it. It had never occurred to me previously that there could be anything special about having one’s own fridge until I did.
Your turn…
(If you have a suggestion for a QOTD/QOTW, feel free to email me. Responses to this QOTW sent by email will be ignored; please post your responses here.)
For me, it was having to buy the groceries myself. My mother usually bought them on the way home from work, and I never had to do it myself. I didn’t mind doing it, and I quite enjoyed the freedom of being able to buy only the things that I wanted. When I lived at home, I just ate what happened to be there. Thank you for reading.
Weirdly, I’ve found that the definition of “feeling like a grown-up” shifts constantly. I felt like grown up the first time I stayed over at my boyfriends house, but had the same experience again when I moved into my own home, when two blue lines appeared on a pregnancy test stick, when I sacrificed an opportunity for someone else… so many things… and yeah, when it’s bills to sort out. Alone.
But the thing is, despite all this, pretty much most of the time I don’t feel that grown up at all. I wonder what it’ll be like when I do.
I’ve had the sensation numerous times, and I think it has always been about freedom. So, it probably isn’t about feeling like a grown-up. I had it the first time I was on an airplane by myself, even though the flight crew watched me like a hawk (I was six) because there was no buffer between me and strangers. Had it the first time I masturbated, when I started boarding at my high school, when I got a job my parent(s) didn’t arrange, etc.
I don’t feel like it with chores, paperwork, book-keeping, dealing with life. All the responsibility stuff I’ve been dealing with my whole life (one mentally ill parent, other didn’t deal well it it) and I feel most grown up when I don’t have any responsibility at all.
oddly enough, my first experience in this regard was when I was still in high school living under my parents roof and in no way actually “grown up”. I had a job at a local pizza place with a staff of about 30. Most of us were high school kids working part time, but by no means all, and some of them were twice my age. At a certain point it hit me that despite the age difference, we were peers in this setting. In fact, sometimes I was over them, which seemed kind of ridiculous. And not only that, we were also friends and therefore socialized outside of work, which was a totally different experience than when your with people exclusively your own age.
The next big one was when I had my first apartment alone and had to buy all the furniture. That wasn’t the bad part; I had to put together a lot of it, including filling the water bed, which was a cheap option but a pain in the ass. Mastering these tasks, including being able to ask for instruction when needed and buying the tools, was one of those hear me roar moments.
I’ll let you know when it happens!
Les Carr, aged 47 and three quarters.
Nothing yet, and that’s part of my problem. My 39th birthday was just a couple weeks ago, and i spent the day mired in an existential (or possibly the beginnings of a mid-life) crisis. My 20s felt like a slog through late adolescence, and I thought I would enjoy being 30-something. I remember being very excited to turn 30, and I think I would have been happy to have stopped at 34. But now my 30s are all but over, and and I’m pretty sure I never had a “grownup moment”. None of the little things ever did it, nor any of the usual markers: not marriage(14 years ago), not kids (I have four, aged 3 to 13), not buying three cars in that time (including a minivan)*. I’ve also seen y marriage almost collapse, been laid off and unemployed for nearly a year, and nearly died of pneumonia in that time. I feel perpetually stuck at 20 years old: not really a kid, but with so much yet to learn that “grownup” seems far off.
So, who should I make the check out to for this little therapy session? >.>
*I haven’t bought a house yet, but on a teachers salary, and with mid-five figures of student loan debt, I don’t see that ever happening. That might be a big part of the problem: both the lack of achieving “the American Dream”, and the fact that I spend my days surrounded by teenagers.
I’ll just leave this here: http://xkcd.com/150/
When I had to post grades for the end of my first semester as a teacher. Getting grades is one kind of responsibility, but having to grade the performance of someone else is another thing entirely, and not my favorite part of teaching.
Um …
I think for a lot of people it’s that first night in your own place. Or the realization that everything around you is yours, not your parents. Or having a child. Or buying a car without a co-signer. Or perhaps buying your first home. Or simply doing something that was always the responsibility of mom or dad, but is now yours. Even just something like hanging Christmas lights on your own home. Having my own garden. I could go on.
For me, I’m pretty sure it was the apartment thing. I lived with my parents for a few years out of college, so, even though I had a full time job, I was still a kid in my parents home. When you decide to strike out on your own it’s a big deal. Especially that first shaky night away from home. Fortunately I had my fiance with me, but it was still kind of scary.
Edit: I DO think it’s key to a happy life to not be a “grown-up” in all aspects of life. Everyone needs to be “kid-like” with certain aspects of life. Like running out in the snow and building a fort. Or enjoying watching the fireflies on a summer night.
I’m pretty sure I’m 80% kid/20% adult, even though I’m 38. It’s all in the knowing.
For me, being a “grownup” means taking responsibility for others; being a “kid” means focusing on your own development: learning, wondering, discovering, growing. Both are important, and people can be both, at whatever age. Children can “grow up” (too soon) when they’re forced by circumstance to take care of their families. Ray Bradbury was of course a grownup who provided for his family, but he also famously claimed he never stopped being a boy (because he never stopped dreaming and wondering).
I suppose I really, finally felt like a grownup when I became a father, and realized that another human being was utterly dependent upon me (and my wife) to exist and thrive. Doesn’t mean I don’t pursue my own interests or pleasures anymore; I do, a lot, but I don’t consider those the “grownup” parts of me. The grownup in me is the one that considers, serves, and makes sacrifices for others.
Oddly enough… It hasn’t been the typical things that make me feel like a ‘grownup.’ When I was 21 and newly graduated from college, I moved to a different state, had my own place, and thrived on my own. I got through grad school and got a job. However, it hasn’t been until this past year that I’ve actually FELT like a grownup, and the only reason I did in this last year, is because I’ve been through hell and back and I actually started feeling CAPABLE of handling things on my own. This last year, I was forced to buy a new car which added to this feeling (I had lots of crap happen with that). The main reason though was that I have been looking for a better job for the last couple of years. This year though, I went to an interview at a certain job in a company that I really wanted to work with. I didn’t get the job. However, I knew someone in that company, and they kept encouraging me to apply, so I did again a few months later… I was interviewing for a couple of different positions, but the very supervisor who hadn’t given me the last position also wanted in on this interview because she had another position open. I ended up getting that position. So ultimately, I think it was 1. realizing my own assets and strengths, and 2. being able to try again after falling flat on my face and then finally succeeding that made me feel truly like an adult. I feel capable of handling the crap that life throws at me (maybe not always, but most of the time).
I think it was my 24th birthday, I asked my mom something like “When am I gonna feel like a grownup?” And she said “I still feel 19.”
That stuck with me, even a decade later — I don’t know if there is something that will make me feel grown up. I’ll settle for paying the bills on time, treating my wife like a special person, and not getting arrested.
You sound very grown up to me – you’ve dealt with some very tough things that frighten the shit out of me. I wonder what “grown up” connotes to different people?
I work with young children who constantly remind me how old they think I am – the responsibility for them reminds me often that I am an adult.
As for a grown up – I hope that day never comes because it sounds like the end of growing up – that there is no where left to go and I think growing is a constant strive to be a better person and as much a force for good as possible. This growing is something I would never wish to end.
I thought it was going to be the one about “the day I realized I could cook bacon whenever I wanted” because that made me feel like a grownup.
I bought my condo at age 31, but that did not make me feel like a grownup. What really did it was about 2 weeks after I moved in, I bought my washer and dryer and was insanely excited when they were delivered. Nice models, too, all front-loady and HE with buttons and everything! As soon as the delivery men left (and they completely installed it, too, which for $35 for the delivery was FANTASTIC), I immediately ran a load of laundry and just sat there and watched it with pure joy.
As I did that, it hit me: you know you’re a grownup when you get excited over buying appliances.
Me too!
I’ve had occasional moments, but I think the strongest one was when I had to take my Dad aside (on the eve of his 50th wedding anniversary), and tell him he needed to go and say sorry to my Mum, as he’d been driving her up the wall. Just being in a situation where I was taking the “Elder advisor’ role with my Dad was so peculiar.
Apart from that, my main reaction would be more akin to that of Les, whose age I beat by about a year. I’m more surprised by how much moving to Japan, becoming a teacher, having kids, buying a house etc didn’t give me an especially strong feeling of being a grown-up.
Like others I’m still waiting for the permanent reminder that I’m a grown up – I expect I’ll get it when they issue me with my first incontinence pants after my bladder fails at 80. Until then I’m still developing.
I have a similar argument with my sister who has retreated to BBC Radio 2 land and listens to nothing else because it plays the music of her youth. Maybe that’s it: you know you’re an adult when you wistfully recall your youth and it looks better than your current life. Hasn’t happened yet for me. I still enjoy my life thanks.
However there have been some things that have reminded me that I’m an adult; The first time I had to repair one of my sons toys; the first time I had to kill an animal to put it out of it’s misery; making decisions at work that affect the lives of hundreds of people and have responsibility for that ( I try to dodge that one as often as possible mind); meeting the Queen and having to act sensibly rather than just gush.
Strangely enough buying a house never did it. I’ve paid the bloody thing off now though thank goodness.
I’m 22, and I’m not sure I’ve really had a moment like that. But if I had to pick a moment, I’d say it’s when I got my first paycheck, and spent most of it on things I needed for my new apartment.
You see, it wasn’t the first time I had gotten money to spend, but up until that point I would either spend that money on entertainment (books, videogames, travelling, etc.), and if I wanted practical things I would ask my parents to specifically give me money for that. Most practical stuff like fridges, brooms, quilts, etc. would already be on the house and I would ask for a new one when they weren’t working. I had lived alone before too, but at an university dorm with only one room and a toilet, so there hadn’t been much room for improvement.
This time though, I got to create the exact living environment I wanted without anyone’s support, permission or interference. My own space, with my own budget. It felt rewarding.
Also, buying cooking ingredients, and using them. That kinda feels grown up too.
Getting a phone call around midnight during my senior year of college from my high school friend, that she was getting married. I started asking her why when she was still in college herself and had other things to do first, she told me she and her future husband were expecting.
When your friends enter adulthood, you go with them. Even though in a lot of ways I still haven’t grown up – adult relationships, for example, are one of the things I’ve never had – that moment stunned me into realizing that my childhood was finally over.
It wasn’t the day that I realized that I could eat ice cream for breakfast. It was the day that I realized that just because I could didn’t mean I should.
I think it was when I did my first grocery shopping. Went into a store, bought stuff I needed – but not basics that I needed for starting out on my own – and walked out with a filled grocery bag. All my stuff, nothing anybody told me to get, my choices.
A few weeks after my 18th birthday, at a time when the drinking age in Massachusetts was 18, my father and I were in the chorus of a variety show. We sometimes went out for a drink after rehearsal. And that’s when I felt “grown-up” – when my father would buy me a beer in a bar.
There are things that I realize, intellectually, must be true:
Becoming an adult doesn’t mean giving up imagination or joy or freedom.
In fact, adults are probably more creative than children, because they’ve had time to look at the world from a wider perspective.
And adults are not, by nature, any less tolerant or open-minded than children. At least, they don’t have to be.
But I still don’t like to think of myself as a grown-up. I just think that I’ve been a child so long that I’ve gotten really good at it.
On the “bad” side: I had a job interview the next day, and suddenly realised that I probably shouldn’t eat the left-over home-made seven-garlic pizza for supper that night.
On the “good” side: when I realised that I had to make some effort to find out about good new music, rather than just taking occasional recommendations from people I knew, because they were all recommending stuff from ten years ago and I wanted to hear at least some modern groups.
I didn’t really feel like an adult until I was 24. Moved to a different country for a job in my career field, and found an apartment all without help from parents or school.
I’d actually done all this before at some time or another, but this was the first time I did it all at once without any help or financial assistance from parents or school admin.