Good news, everyone! No need to feel like a guilty filthy dirty gossip slut anymore when you watch that hideous parade of celebrity meltdowns, lawsuits, mugshots, and shameless publicity whoring known as TMZ! For the FCC — that bastion of wisdom and, um, other wiseness — has ruled that TMZ is a “bona fide news program.”
It’s totally true! The FCC kinda had to rule this way, because 20 years ago, it ruled that Entertainment Tonight is also a “bona fide news program.” Also totally true! Which meant that the FCC kinda also had to rule that The 700 Club is a bona fide news program, too. Jesus wept! Not!
We are so bona fide in the United States of America that we are bursting with bona fide-ness. Look:
1. Matt Drudge is a bona fide journalist.
2. Ashton Kutcher is a bona fide talent.
3. Professional wrestling is a bona fide sport.
4. Survivor is a bona fide competition.
5. A trip to Applebee’s is a bona fide dining experience.
6. Everybody Loves Raymond is a bona fide comedy.
7. A Golden Globe is a bona fide award.
8. Fat-free cookies are bona fide health food.
9. A Hummer hybrid is bona fide green.
10. Kenny G. is a bona fide jazz musician.
11. NASCAR is bona fide culture.
12. USA Today is a bona fide newspaper.
13. George W. Bush is a bona fide cowboy.
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Maybe it really is time for another asteroid to hit Earth and give the cockroaches their shot at evolution. Couldn’t do any worse than we have. Or maybe a zombie holocaust…
MAJ,
I thought you liked us. Why do you want to make us cry?
Hey, if I have to suffer, I don’t see why I should have to suffer alone.
As Calvin would say, nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.