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A tediously familiar collection of pointlessly crude moments drunk on their own cruelty and call it a movie. They should have titled it *Tucker Max to the Future* if they wanted folks to have an accurate idea of what they were in for…
It’s been a long time since I had to stifle the urge to shout, “No no NO!” at a movie screen in order to ensure that everything turned out okay in the end.
We should thank Tim Burton for his *Alice in Wonderland,* for it does one thing extraordinarily well: It reminds us that James Cameron really did achieve something new and astonishing with *Avatar.*
The metallic tang of blood is all over the elegant facade of this mysteriously disappointing, dispassionately underpowered story of a British aristocrat who dances with the devil, in the form of a werewolf curse, in the pale moonlight.
So it can be told: The road to hell isn’t paved with good intentions, it’s paved with Harry Potter wannabes. Now, now — I know that’s not quite fair to anyone involved with this perfectly inoffensive, occasionally clever kids’ movie…
Forget all that nonsense about fending off evil spirits with Bibles and holy water and garlic or whatever. Automatic weapons is what you need.
Insufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from the ruthlessly forced faux charm of a witless, sloppily assembled, lazily crafted movie that believes it can get away with such shoddiness because it’s ‘for kids.’
Denzel was carrying the fire, right, Papa? Yes. The book was the fire? Yes. No. The boy wouldnt understand.
One wonders what sins Jackie Chan could have committed in a single lifetime to warrant having an abomination like this pathetic excuse for a movie weighing down his karma.
It’s the perfect, ultimate, brilliant extrapolation of the vampire conceit: What happens once almost everyone’s a vampire, unturned humans are nearly extinct, and the tastiest, most satisfying blood — the human kind — is running out?
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